What If I Can't?

I am looking for advice! I have numerous medical problems that over time have reduced my husbands and my sex life down to nothing. I have lesions in my vaginal regions that the doctors can not figure out or get rid of that are so painful that I cannot have sex. Contact with that area is very painful no matter what we have tried. For a while I would just suffer through it with tears in my eyes and zero enjoyment. I just cannot do it anymore.
I feel bad for my husband so for a while I would just do things for him sexually, but this got old really fast as it was quickly reduced from an act of love to doing my duty as my husband sees it. He is very unsatisfied and I get that, but when all I seem to be good for is to get his rocks off whenever I am beckoned, I find it very hard to comply.
He seems to have zero interest in me beyond that. If I am too tired or in a Lupus or Arthuretic flare and just can't then I am ignored and given the silent treatment for days. He is only at home to sleep, eat or to see if I am ready to do my duty. When I do, things seem a little more normal, but he will ask almost every day and as soon as it is no, it goes back to the silent treatment.
I love him and I feel very bad about this but I don't know what to do anymore. We are a Christian couple and he feels it is biblically my duty to keep him satisfied in that way no matter what. If he would still treat me with love, caring and respect, then I feel I would be more open to this but I feel like now that I am not available sexually that I am of no use other than house keeper, cook and to earn money to pay my part of our household expenses. My husband is a chronic pot smoker, which I used be as well, and now that we don't share that anymore, we don't seem to connect on any level.
This may sound all jumbled but I would love some advice or input!
WouldIfICould WouldIfICould
36-40, F
Jan 6, 2013