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Baaaad Reaction

i was diagnosed with a weird blood disorder called aplastic anemia in the summer of 2000.  basically, my bone marrow was not making red cells or platelets.  at all.

there was at the time (and still is, far as i know) only one therapy proven to work, short of a bone marrow transplant; a chemo drug called atgam (probably misspelled it badly).  every drug has its potential side effects, and chemo drugs more than most. 

well, the first day of my atgam treatment, every single screwball side effect descended on me.  yeah, i was nauseous; that one was easy to handle-- i just didn't eat.  my blood pressure was already low, and my heart rate. 

the treatment room was crowded that day, and the staff had kicked out all visitors/family members.  one nurse kept asking me if i wanted or needed anything, and i finally half-wailed that i wanted my mom.

God bless mary ann; she grabbed a folding chair and brought my mother to me, despite the crowd. 

i remember saying that i didn't feel good, then alarms started going off.  my BP had dropped through the floor... but i was no longer there.

i was in a dark place, moving toward a pinprick of light.  (yeah, it sounds kinda corny, but it happened!)  i know i was moving pretty fast, when a male voice ripped through my head/heart/ very self with a single word:  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

and then i was opening my eyes, seeing half the cancer center staff hovering around me.  mom was crying, and mary ann looked like she wanted to faint.

after that, things got better... slowly.  thankfully, i have been in remission officially since '02.  but i will never forget the sheer agony that seared that single frantic denial.... the only thing that brought me back.
SunnyKris SunnyKris 26-30, F 1 Response Nov 13, 2007

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me too. grateful every single day!