Still Struggling With The Hows And Whys!

I will apologize ahead of time, an english major I am not, so forgive me for my grammar and spelling mistakes which are plenty!


To start with I am a 45 year old white married mother of 2 grown daughters.  My oldest daughter lives out of state in Boston, My husband who is an over the road truckdriver was in the Upper part of Michigan, so that just left my youngest daughter and myself at home in Northern Minnesota.  With out going much into the whys (that is a different story of its own) on Feb 4 2010 I attempted to take my life by overdose of combinations of meds.


After a particular bad day on Feb 3, I couldn't get to sleep to many thoughts and all, all of a sudden my mind just told me why?  Just give up, I just got fixated on I could just gather up some medications and just end it all there was no stopping me... so thats what I attempted to do... its now around 4:00 am on the 4th, I am awake gathering all these different bottles of perscription meds that we had in the cabinets for myself or my husband then I started finding a bunch of over the counter stuff I don't know the exact count of how many pills I took, I just know there were alot... I took each bottle wrote down what it was on a piece of paper and how many and then dumped it into a bowl, I did that with every bottle, it was a mix of ibuprofens 800 mg tablets, tylenol pm's, benadryl, hydroco/apap clindamycin, those were just a few of the different meds I took, I belive in all it was 12 different medications I mixed together and the lowest amount in a bottle was 6 tablets up to the highest amount in one of the meds was 22, so now you can get a picture of what the emt's and emergency room doctors had to deal with when they got me... I don't know why I wrote down what and how many I took, but the dr's were glad I did (needless to say they are all surprised that I am alive today),  After getting all the pills into a bowl, I went and got a bottle of coke, put it next to my bed.  Its now close to 5am my youngest daughter was just getting up and getting ready for work, so I put my stuff under cover, I started an email to my husband but didn't send it out yet, after my daughter left for work at 5:45 am I gathered my bowl of pills and my bottle of coke, and just started downing the pills, I got them down, and opened up a bottle of wine that was in the fridge and poured a big glass of that and drank it.  went back to my bedroom, sent my email to my husband knowing he would read it for a couple of hours yet, then sent a text to both of my girls, saying remember that I love you that I was sorry, knowing my youngest wouldn't get hers till she was on break, and figuring my oldest in Boston wouldn't be awake yet to read hers. She actually was awake and and replied back to me, was wondering where that was coming from her.  I just replied that I loved her. and she replied she loved me to, but what I sent was kind of a scary message... I replied that I was sorry I wasn't a good mother and she responded back with a couple of other messages to me, I didn't reply back, but I was still awake yet and was able to read her txt, I don't remeber her last txt she sent to me asking me where I was and what was I doing.  This was all around 6:30 am on the 4th... I look at my phone I sent her a txt, or one of our pets did or for all I know the Sherrifs department sent something to my oldest daughter, my last txt on that day was at 9:22am to my daughter and all it said was lnm.  

From this point on, I have only what was told to me, as I don't recall anything else until later, Mean while my oldest daughter is try very hard to try to get someone out to our house to check on me, She was trying to do a 911 call via Boston to see if they could get her hooked up with someone here in Minnesota with no luck, she tried calling her grandmother my mother-in-law who is also our neighbor to call, but she kept telling my daughter that "your mom wouldn't do anything" that I am sure she is ok, (my mother in law just had shoulder replacement surgery and couldn't drive and she lives alone) my daughter finally convinced her grandmother to call 911 for peace of mind if nothing else.  A deputy sherriff arrived at our house they knocked on the door, and rang the doorbell, but I didn't respond, and because he can't enter a home with out cause, he called my mother in law who placed the 911 call, and said that there was a green car in the driveway, and asked her permision if he could enter and she gave him permission, at this time the sherrif found me unconsious and from what he told my husband later he was at a loss as to what to do, meanwhile when they put the page out to send someone to our house,  a couple of their 1st responders from a local fire department that my husband belongs to heard the call and decided they would go on this run to help if needed (We actually live outside this particular fire department due to a recent city taking on our area into their boundaries if we lived on the other side of the road we would be in my husbands department which is about 3 miles away from us but instead we now actually are part of a city that is about 15 miles away and in order for them to get to me would actually have to go through 2 different fire department areas, the joys of living in the country) one of my husbands former coleagues recognized the address and told the other 1st responder who's place it was, they made it there in no time flat and the sherrif was never so glad to see a 1st responder in his life as he was not equipped to handle this call he was on. The two 1st responders had me up and out into the ambulance in no time, and infact already had a life support helicopter already responding knowing already that our local hospital was not going to be able to help me they were working with the head of the ER Nurse who is also a 1st responder with my husbands fire department between them they had one of the smoothest and fastest transfers they have ever had.  (I have always wanted to take a ride in a helicopter, to bad I don't recall any of it!)  They Airlifted me to Duluth Minnesota, meanwhile someone got a hold my husband who had to drive back from Michigan the whole time he was on the phone with his brother, and a good friend of his helping him make the drive and keeping him going.  

I was in a coma, and not responsive the first thing I vagly remember is seeing my youngest daughters face then a nurse or dr I don't know who there face was there speaking to me, I heard them I tried speaking but couldn't (my daughter told me when I opened my eyes and saw her I had this startled look on my face like I do when they used to come into my room and wake me up when they were younger) I saw them for just a moment then I was out of it again, for another 3-4 hours.  I woke up again, I think... I saw my husband, I tried talking to him but couldn't.  I could feel him holding my hand but now the wierd stuff started happening.... it was like I was watching several tv channels at once... on one channel I kept seeing flashes of pictures and things I could remember from my life on another channel I could see a black male lying in a hospital bed with people working on him, felt like I was in the room with him right next to his bed and at times it felt like I was him so sureal, so spooky!  another channel I could see a split screen, oneside was a glass door on the other side of the door was just a bright light, on the other split screen was my husband holding my hand, the screen with the door kept getting closer and closer to me, then i would get a glimpse of the split with my husband and I thought I was squeazying his hand ( he told me I was) and when I would squeaze his hand the door would then move away from me a bit then it would start coming towards me again, then again, squeaze my husbands hand & the door would retreat, was going on like that for awhile, or seamed like awhile anyways... I could also hear the final countdown song from the car comercial, kept playing over and over in the background with the split screen door scene it never made it to the entire song, kept repeating itself, all of the "tv screens" were playing and I kept switching back and forth between them all. then I remember one last screen when I saw the door I was just about to it, I flashed over to the screen with my husband I was trying to say sorry and that I loved him, and gave him one last squeaze of his had then everything stopped, all of the screens went blank except for the one with my husband and then I started noticing the background and other things in the room were he was in, another nurse was there in front of me asking me questions, I was able to nod my answers, I couldn't talk, they were trying to calm me down, explaining to me that I had tubes in my throat telling me where I was and from that point is where I now have memory of, I find it hard to talk about some of the things I went through (the diff  "tv screens") with family and friends and I think they find it hard to conceive which I don't blame them as it happened to me and its hard to conceive! 

That all was on Thursday the 4th of Feb, on Saturday the 6th of Feb they took all the tubes out of me and I was breathing on my own now and I could actually eat again. I had 3 tubes down my throat, 1 in my nose, one in an other area... I had IV conections on both hands and both wrist on one in the bend of my right arm, they were drawing blood from my left arm I so I felt like a giant pin holder!  On Sunday I was moved from ICU up to 4th floor (the physc unit) & on Tuesday I was released to go home.  I survived i more ways than one.  I have a road infront of me but have alot of family and friends who are there to help me along the way, I feel guilty in a lot of ways, but know one is holding what I did againts me but my self, but I am working on that.  I am glad I found this site as I believe it will help me with what I I went throught and to talk to other who may have gone through something simualar to what I went through. 


Thank you for being here!



Roccokitty Roccokitty
41-45, F
1 Response Feb 15, 2010

I'm so glad you made it through. Best wishes :)