Twelve Stones And Four Paperships Or The First Time I Saw Her And The Last Time I Saw Him

He smoked two cigarettes on the roof of shopping center and then we get into a bus and traveled because we both are too bullet-headed. We promised this trip to each other long time ago when we were playing important roles in our lives. When we knew what do twelve stones and four paper ships mean for us! Now we both felt we had to make this trip alone but none of us said it loudly. We were cowards. We were still dreaming about each other. Even though we were still not able to confess it. Instead of it we were wasting our time with someone who we don't love anymore. But we remembered the times when we loved that person much more than anything. So we were waiting for these feelings coming back. We were pretending we're honest, probably we wanted to be. We wished we could do just right things, right decisions. Moral sucks! 

Maybe we walked to life each other to bring us to reassessing the way we were living before. Occasion to turn ourselves into right way. But I'm not sure if this trip meant that right way. Probably not. It supposed to be fun. And it was terrible! But we needed it. We needed to open our eyes, wake up from dreams we were living in.

During a night in foreign big city we didn't sleep. We were sitting in empty boring hotel room and looking for something we could explore. And above all we wanted to explore ourselves. We made up fantastic story about murder in next room who cut victims hair so we could pretend we're looking for those hair. We needed to think for a moment about something else than how much we want to be looking for points in our eyes. We were comparing the length  of our hands, legs and bodies and fingers and noses. It was the only way we could touch each other. Just for few seconds. And this way we were waiting for sunrise. I wish I could get out from myself and watch us. Maybe it sounds like kind of fun but all that night was just one big scary metaphor of our desire. And I'm very confused of it.

A day after he had an argument with her on the phone. And after it he came so close to me, I could feel he's gonna hug me.  He wanted to so much but he didn't. And this is what was all that bad trip about – we want but don't. He wanted to touch me, to hug me, to kiss me. He knew he could not. So he decided not to go back home with me but visit her. He just needed a person who could he share his intimacy with.

He just said goodbye when we got out from the train. Then I saw her waiting for him on the platform next to the train. In that moment I wanted to disappear most of all. I couldn't continue in walking because of people standing on the platform in my way. I was so close to them. I heard them kissing. She didn't care about me because she hates me. He and I were just pretending we don't care anymore. I felt so weird. So lonely. So done brown. So forgotten. I felt like I'm gonna cry in the moment. Fortunately, I didn't. I walked finally through train station hall and sat on one of the benches.

And that's how honesty really looks like. We did everything what we promised to do although unbelievable it seemed to be. And then we split up without leave-talking. What a hypocrisy!

When I came home, I told to my boyfriend I don't love him anymore. I didn't tell him about the other man. Because this is the truth! I don't love him not because of falling in love with another man. I felt in love with another man because I didn't love him anymore. Finally I said or did something that was real and not lie, not mask, not dissimulation.
Atharaxis Atharaxis
22-25, F
1 Response Jul 11, 2010

hey that's intresting story but ... i think if we choced the right persone their is nothing called we don't love em anymore cause u look about all the things u are missing but n't lookin about how can u put all those things in the realtions that u allready have somebody told me that advertesments are made to make us feel like somthing is missing us we ain't having all the fun we could and nobody can be happy about his life and i think his right i am n't saying be happy with what u have and don't change the futsure to be better i am just saying cope with the present to make the futsure look better cause i believe if u made the right choice at first u can always always work out the realtionship no matter what i mean if it all about u n't about the other partner cause i hadn't tried that yet ... anyway i hope u are doing well and i hope what u made turned out to the right thing to do......