I will admit that I am a "patsy". A "patsy", a "sap" and a "sucker". I have in the past been known to say "if I have it and you need it, I'll give it to you because that's just the kind of person I am". It's just in me to help, give and listen and it's been my Achilles Heel because people sometimes think that's all I am there for- no asking where I am, how I am/how I'm feeling...just "C, can you spare X amount of money, and I'll pay it back to you on X day of the week?" Or I ask "What's wrong" and the floodgates open, or sometimes I dont even have to ask and they tell me anyway. Then I rack my brain left, right, up and down to try to find them answers. Any other time I am alone and lonely, depressed and sad. I'm aware I can't expect for people to know when I'm upset and come running and I am aware that the definition of "giving" is never expecting anything in return but for the most part, I am unappreciated. I mean I could feel less of that if people put my advice to good use or the money I give or things I buy are not broken or tossed aside. Ex: Last night my father found me at the store and he needed $20 for who knows what- I know my father has a drug habit he won't admit up to, not to mention drinking as well, so for all I know, he probably used that $20 originally meant for a month long bus pass towards me and it'll go up his nose. I gave him it, not out of generosity but for him to get off my back. With things I get for people- I have a furniture rental account. I have gotten my mom an a/c unit, last I heard its on my aunt's back porch. And a washer/drier unit which is with another aunt. My father also got an a/c unit which he immediately wanted to return for a lawn mower and the mower he made a huge deal about using? My uncle has that no doubt. Making money for grass cutting? Its been 2 summers and I've seen many lawns in need; I bring it up and its under the rug swept. No one ever thinks about how I feel about it, no one ever asks my feelings at all. Then with advice- my mom asked what to do with my baby sister doing the rebellious thing and I gave her unfiltered, brutally honest advice. I call a few weeks later, and nothing's changed, in fact she's just gotten more lazy and disrespectful, so I dropped it. Others are the same: Ex- one friend I helped with his Ex/baby mama issues; the girl is repellent and nasty to him but he went back anyway. I have to think WTF AM I EVER HERE FOR? Nowadays I have to resist the urge to give advice or lend money without getting it back immediately. Too many times I have helped my father in particular and I've been left to starve because "he didn't have it" or he helped his worthless brothers out before his own loving daughter. Shame huh? For most of my life, I have put others first much to my detriment. The biggest have been my friends and everyone's living the life of riley and I am not. I guess they knew how to think of themselves first, am I right? Well, that is slowly but surely changing. I will always be kind and helpful but um, ME I come first. Phuck you, I come first. "Can you spare-" Aw sorry, I'm all out, you know...bills. "(insert some issue they need help with)"...Yeah, sorry to hear that, and keep it moving. Hope it doesn't come to bite me in the end but it's safe to say I am sick of being on the back burner in people's lives but I do all I can to help. NO MORE.
Lov3intheasylum Lov3intheasylum
36-40, F
Aug 30, 2014