Learning Not To...

I don't want to anymore.  Somehow, I seem to always find myself in situations where someone is upset about something, and I take blame for something that isn't mine to take.  

I found myself in a situation like this two days ago...afraid that I had let down a friend.  She was upset with me for not leaning on her when she thought I should have.  She shared with me her disappointment in seeing me in a particular part of my life three years ago that wasn't really who I was.  She shared with me that she doesn't understand why I am going through what I am going through.  I felt guilty.  I felt like I had let her down, like I wasn't the model friend I should have been.

What?

Ok...why do I have to lean on her when she thinks it's appropriate to do so?  I'll do it when I'm ready.  Why do I have to feel guilty for her not understanding what I am going through?  No one needs to understand, just be there to support me.  Why do I have to apologize to her for who I was three years ago?  Sure I know that wasn't me, but you know what?  I had to go through that phase to know that it wasn't me.  I wasn't all that terrible.  I was still me, just doing things that weren't true to my character.  Whatever, I've moved on, I've forgotten about it....so should you.

Why do I blame myself for how people feel about me?  Hmmm...years of learning how to hate myself based on others opinions of me will teach you pretty damn fast how to do this well.  But why am I to blame?  Why did I feel like I hadn't been the model friend?  I am the one who's going through hell in my separation, why do I suddenly have to be the model friend?  WTF is that about?

I decided to write her and tell her how I felt.  Although, true to my nature, it was far more delicately delivered than what I wrote above (I'm a highly non-confrontational person).  But still...I did say it.  And I'm glad I did.  I don't want to blame myself anymore for things that aren't mine to be responsible for.  I'm learning...slowly...my strength is building...
Lucidblue Lucidblue
36-40, F
2 Responses Jun 13, 2010

My girl friend and I are good now. We talked it out, she saw where I was coming from. True friends will listen when you have something to say...she's always been good to me, even if we are so markedly different.

AMEN to that! You are not responsible or to blame for how others think you shoud be or act towards them. That is ridiculous. keep building your strength and there is nothing wrong with a little confrontation when standing up for yourself!