My Fault... Always...

i should start by saying i was a surprise baby, i am the youngest of 4 kids and i wasn't suppose to be born. my mom didn't know she was pregnant till almost 3 months into it. she tells me how she cried for weeks when she found out she was pregnant because she didn't want another child. i have a brother Justin, and two sisters Megan and Stephanie. Steph always hated me and we fought all the time, we still fight today. when we would fight my Dad would yell at us and then beat us with a belt, or slap us. most of the time i got blamed for it, so i began thinking everything is my fault. my sister kicked in the neighbors door by accident and i got beat for it. in my head everything turned into my fault because i got blamed for what seemed like everything. 5 years ago my family lost our home and we ended up living hotels. we had almost no extra money for food so we ate only when we could. i felt like it was my fault. i thought if i hadn't been born my family would have had enough money. soon we had to leave the hotel because we couldn't afford them either. we moved in with my dad's dad. it was ok there but we had to spend a lot of money so i could get to school. again i thought we had no money because of me going to school in our old neighborhood. this went on for a long time. in September this year we got an apartment with only two rooms. my sisters had to move in with relatives which i blame myself for because there is to many with me. my brother sleeps in the living room. we still struggle with money and putting food on the table is hard. i go to a high school far from home so we have to pay for that and we have to pay for other things for me. i blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my family, even when i know it isn't my fault. i just can't help but feel that if i hadn't been born my family would still be together and living in a good house....
darkness101 darkness101
18-21, F
3 Responses May 20, 2012

I understand that sometimes things just ain't fair and it feels like everything's your fault....there are always hard times in life....just try to think about how you can help the situation instead of blaming yourself and making yourself hurt so much....i went through it before too....but i was blamed because i was the oldest...i had a problem of cutting myself too...and please don't do that anymore....you can try to bash pillows or tear paper....please be okay...i really wanna help you but i'm sorry if my suggestions suck....i'm really sorry....please take care if you need to talk you can inbox me...

you caught my attention in other post, and I decided to look at you a little better and I guess now I found / understand the reason why you so depressed and why the cutting.. but don't beat yourself up for your parents problems, of course its not your fault, and you know that, but the ways of you coping with that your problem that is really not helping. Life is indeed very hard sometimes, but don't give up, and don't blame yourself. You are young and I am sure you will have a bright future ahead even if now you still have all these problems, and things are harsh. I am not sure how old you are, high school still I assume, So maybe we can come up with a plan to help you out? are you old enough to legally work? you see I will give you an idea, I have no Idea where do you live, but here in the USA there are programs that help teens start a career and give them a chance. You young , you may not have money for college now, but you will. So here is one Idea, that besides of occupying your time, will make yourself feeling good about yourself and elevate your selfsteem and that's what you need. it feels good to help others too. There are programs in community colleges, that can be arranged through your high school for training CNAS, ( certified nurse assistants ), it is a good program for teens looking into getting in the job market , as jobs for it has plenty, comparing with other areas in this bad economy. If your school don't offer it, well there is another way, nursing homes sometimes, will train you for FREE in exchange for that you work in there for a period of time.( ask around) I won't lie to you, work is hard and can be frustrating sometimes, they pay little, but it is a start. I did Started as a CNA also and have come far. If you decide you like the medical area then you can pursue college in any other medical area later. now if you can't really legally work, or cant find places to offer this course FREE for you, again there is another way too, call nursing homes near where you live, and ask if you could volunteer, if you volunteer you will learn the job, and they may ended up taking you for training and work anyways! besides the work experience, elderly people sometimes don't have any family left and are tremendously lonely and depressed they would love have somebody just to talk a bit and that could mean the world to them. I am saying all that, and I not even know what are your plans to your future, but that was just an idea, that I think you may benefit from. and if you work as a CNA you can work part time on weekends , so it wont be a problem for your school. I really think that if you occupy yourself, doing something good and meaningful and a ( little bit of money helps) you may get less depressed and ride yourself of harmful ways to cope with your problems. All you need is a chance and some perspective in life, and don't matter what you will have a bright future. Remember, a diamond is just a piece of charcoal that handled stress exceptionally well ! so are you :-) I wish you all the best, and if you need to talk or have any other question I am here.

thanks

You are here for a reason. You will have to find that out one day what exactly it is. The money situation isn't your fault. I want to say I grew up poor also. You have lived it harder than I did though. It will make you a strong person. I come from a broken family. There is no reason why you should feel everything is your fault just cause you were born. I think your mother cried when she found out she was pregnant with you is because your father sounds abusive. She could have left him but alot oof women fear men like that. It's sad really that stuff like this happens in someones life and we just go about our own ignorant of it. I want to say I'm sorry to you. If you ever need someone to talk to feel free to inbox me.

thanks, and my mom doesn't fear my father, she loves him and that is why she stays with him. but thanks for the comment it just feels hard sometimes...