Flirting With DisasterPerhaps Morrisey said it best, "I want the one I can't have, and it's driving me mad. It's all over, all over, all over, all over my face.."
He's unavailable in every sense of the word (maybe that's part of what draws me to him?). Hundreds of miles away and married with a family. Unhappily married, according to him, but that makes no difference to me. Married is married. And before I am judged, let me just say I have drawn very clear boundaries between us. We do not exchange inappropriate pictures, no "sexting" and an affair is absolutely out of the question on both of our parts, for a multitude of reasons. We do talk every day, there is some harmless flirting (which I feel guilty enough for) and we skype on occasion. But again, nothing inappropriate.
This isn't some fleeting crush, we've known each other 10 years and harbored mutual feelings for each other just as long, but the timing has never been right. We both got married and lost touch (I am divorced now), but recently he contacted me again and it seems the attraction is stronger than ever. We have both tried several times to just walk away but neither one of us lasted longer than a day. He has said in so many words that he'll never leave his wife (nor is that something I want for him or his family) because of his children. The distance can be fixed, no problem. But I am no homewrecker and no man's mistress.
In my almost 2 years of being divorced, no one has piqued my interest as much as he does. I get butterflies again, my heart skips a beat again! I ache to just be able to touch him one more time. I think of him when I first wake up and right as I fall asleep. I bite my tongue with every word we exchange because I am trying so hard to respect his marriage, but there are so many things I want to say to him.
Tonight is one of those nights where I feel I'm liking him too much again and I'm trying to pull away once more, but it's so painfully hard. Just when I think I've got him at a safe distance, he reels me back in. In some way this makes me a little mad because even though I'm not the mistress, I feel like one. I fully understand that if his marriage weren't in shambles, it wouldn't be this way. I don't think he's intending to use me, but I know in a sense that's what it is. And honestly, if my life weren't in the place it is now, if I were more emotionally available, maybe it wouldn't be this way for me either.
So, I'm off now to drown myself in Justin Vernon's poetic brilliance and the numbing warmth of a bottle of Moscato with a few blue pills. I might never have him. I just need to keep reminding myself that.