Flirting With Disaster

Perhaps Morrisey said it best, "I want the one I can't have, and it's driving me mad. It's all over, all over, all over, all over my face.."

He's unavailable in every sense of the word (maybe that's part of what draws me to him?). Hundreds of miles away and married with a family. Unhappily married, according to him, but that makes no difference to me. Married is married. And before I am judged, let me just say I have drawn very clear boundaries between us. We do not exchange inappropriate pictures, no "sexting" and an affair is absolutely out of the question on both of our parts, for a multitude of reasons. We do talk every day, there is some harmless flirting (which I feel guilty enough for) and we skype on occasion. But again, nothing inappropriate.

This isn't some fleeting crush, we've known each other 10 years and harbored mutual feelings for each other just as long, but the timing has never been right. We both got married and lost touch (I am divorced now), but recently he contacted me again and it seems the attraction is stronger than ever. We have both tried several times to just walk away but neither one of us lasted longer than a day. He has said in so many words that he'll never leave his wife (nor is that something I want for him or his family) because of his children. The distance can be fixed, no problem. But I am no homewrecker and no man's mistress.

In my almost 2 years of being divorced, no one has piqued my interest as much as he does. I get butterflies again, my heart skips a beat again! I ache to just be able to touch him one more time. I think of him when I first wake up and right as I fall asleep. I bite my tongue with every word we exchange because I am trying so hard to respect his marriage, but there are so many things I want to say to him.

Tonight is one of those nights where I feel I'm liking him too much again and I'm trying to pull away once more, but it's so painfully hard. Just when I think I've got him at a safe distance, he reels me back in. In some way this makes me a little mad because even though I'm not the mistress, I feel like one. I fully understand that if his marriage weren't in shambles, it wouldn't be this way. I don't think he's intending to use me, but I know in a sense that's what it is. And honestly, if my life weren't in the place it is now, if I were more emotionally available, maybe it wouldn't be this way for me either.

So, I'm off now to drown myself in Justin Vernon's poetic brilliance and the numbing warmth of a bottle of Moscato with a few blue pills. I might never have him. I just need to keep reminding myself that.
PollySyllabacus PollySyllabacus
22-25, F
4 Responses Dec 28, 2012

I was briefly involved in a relationship such as this one and I mean brief. my question is that if he had everything he needed, why did he need me? in your case, don't demean yourself by playing second fiddle. he is pulling your chain.

Well said, thank you. It's nice to hear from other women who have been in my shoes. And I agree, that's a question I've asked myself too. I'm happy to report things have improved since I first wrote that.

anytime you want to chat, you know where to find me. I am slowly healing myself.

So have you managed to pull away from him yet?

I think it might have been a little more mutual, but yes. Haven't spoken in over a month. It's for the best.

To whom this may concern:


I first want to say, I love how you wrote everything ... its so clear and concise. Good job! I read till the end :) I totally get what you are going through. But sorry to say, my situation is different than yours, but I do FEEL you on the fact that each time you back off this guy somehow knows exactly when to ambush into your life again. Heh. Story of my life. My only suggestion ... I hope you can try to do more things outside of what you do with him. Maybe join a social, take a class, concentrate on your job, do something to ward off those 'feelings'. And try not to contact him. I know its easier said than done, ... and you may have done all of the above already ... but for me, that works till some extent.

I just think woman like us need to give ourselves a chance to find out who we really are ... (as we are constantly searching and evolving as a person everyday,... even though you may THINK you know who you are already, sadly we 'change') ... and just stay strong to the characteristics you deem to hold true to. Don't let these men sway you because of what THEY want out of their life. I personally think WE need to set our own boundaries of 'who we are' and 'what we want' to maintain a healthy mindset and to help us fight the constant battle of trying to prove our own individuality.


--- Lost

Wow! I can't thank you enough for all the kind and thoughtful words! They really made my day. I completely agree with you about needing to find ourselves as women-- that's what I'm trying to do now. I'm so sorry you've been in a similar situation, though. Feel free to message me any time if you want to talk about it. I think we'd get along very well :)

you're too young to waste your youth wanting someone else's trash,I say trash because even if you had him you would have to know there'd be another "you" online somewhere he''s chatting with/or worse.

Thank you, that's something I've thought of also. Although we aren't "online friends." He's a friend of my family that just happened to move away. No relationship is perfect, so I have to assume he'd be unhappy with me at some point too, right? And then what? I can't believe I'm an isolated incident, even if that's what he tells me.

I married 3 of them and trust me once a cheat,always a cheat.Very rarely does someone actually change enough to break the pattern.Don't bet your future he's one of the lucky few.