Loving Unavailable People
All my life, and I'm 49 now, I've fallen in love with person after person who doesn't return my affections ... I mean, everybody has these experiences, but mine are more like fantasy/obsessions. I had these obsessions even when I was married. My spouse and I were friends but not deeply romantic lovers. Our sex was sort of formulaic. So I had these infatuations with other people. Frequently these were same-sex fantasy/obsessions. I would imagine these people loved me or at least were attracted to me and might possibly be persuaded to have sex with me. I craved intimacy from them. I took what were friendships and turned them into sexual fantasies. After my first "grand" fantasy/obsession came to light and turned sour, I gained 40 pounds. After my second, I wound up in the hospital after three years of depression. After my third one, I got accused of harassment and was fired from the place I had worked for 17 years (I was an excellent employee, by the way). And after my most recent unrequited infatuation, when this person let me down, I tried to take my life. I can't afford to have these emotional obsessions keep happening. I am in therapy and attending support groups, trying to learn how to be confident enough in myself not to 'need' the 'love' of others. (They don't love me even though I want them to.) The key point is, this always happens with people who are unwilling or unable to return my affections. There's something pathological about this.