Loving Unavailable People

All my life, and I'm 49 now, I've fallen in love with person after person who doesn't return my affections ... I mean, everybody has these experiences, but mine are more like fantasy/obsessions. I had these obsessions even when I was married. My spouse and I were friends but not deeply romantic lovers. Our sex was sort of formulaic. So I had these infatuations with other people. Frequently these were same-sex fantasy/obsessions. I would imagine these people loved me or at least were attracted to me and might possibly be persuaded to have sex with me. I craved intimacy from them. I took what were friendships and turned them into sexual fantasies. After my first "grand" fantasy/obsession came to light and turned sour, I gained 40 pounds. After my second, I wound up in the hospital after three years of depression. After my third one, I got accused of harassment and was fired from the place I had worked for 17 years (I was an excellent employee, by the way). And after my most recent unrequited infatuation, when this person let me down, I tried to take my life. I can't afford to have these emotional obsessions keep happening. I am in therapy and attending support groups, trying to learn how to be confident enough in myself not to 'need' the 'love' of others. (They don't love me even though I want them to.) The key point is, this always happens with people who are unwilling or unable to return my affections. There's something pathological about this.

oskiesmom oskiesmom
7 Responses Jan 22, 2009

It seems like you are unavailable as well and do not love yourself, and are trying to find that missing part of love in other people. Loving a fantasy is not the same as being able to love a real person and having them love you back. Your view of who you want to love is very narrow and conceived in your mind, and doesn't leave room for the person of your affections to be "real", or themselves, which is what relationships are all about. Your connection to these people is about control, not love, and is backward. You have to establish a true connection with yourself and stop rejecting yourself, your feelings, and everything else that is in the way of your own self acceptance. You need to know yourself, and understand yourself, by using the functions you were born with, feeling, sensate, intuitive, and thinking. It is unrealistic to expect someone to love you when you cant even love yourself. Make peace with who you are and express "real" love, people will respond to it, because it reality based, allowing both of you to be yourselves and find that common ground you need.

I have had very similar experiences. For me, I think partly it is because I grew up being attracted/falling for my teachers and my friends who were all female. I knew from an early age I was gay, but didn't really have a word for it. I was used to keeping my feelings to myself. I had no examples or knowledge of what it meant, so I just had crushes and kept them silent, because I saw in the world around me all straight people. <br />
I started wondering if I knew "How to Love" (check out Lil Wayne's song w/same title) I feel like there is something "wrong" with me. Why does this happen? If you find out, let me know.

I completely understand and relate...

I can relate to some of the things. You crave affection and men seem to foget about the feelings that are put into them. Depression starts to kick in and you start to see a different world around you.

my da was the parent i didn't get love, affection or nuturing from. he was there but he wasn't involved in our lives like a dad should be. i don't remember him coming to school functions, parent/teacher conferences, etc. he just didn't seem really interested in his family, you know? i shudder to think i deliberately got involved with men like him. it was something i had no conscious intention of doing. guess a lot of men are alike.

Oh, I think it is most definitely related to the love and/or intimacy we didn't get from our parents. My mother was overwhelmed with being a wife and mother and she suffered from depression. She didn't breast-feed me. I don't ever remember even sitting on her lap or having her fix my hair. She stayed in her own world much of the time I was growing up.

i always seemed to fall for men that weren't emotionally available and didn't return my affections to the same degree that i gave them. men who suspiciously remind me of my father.