We're Both Sort Of IdiotsFor almost four years I've been friends with Mike. It didn't take long before I was calling him my best friend, and he hasn't wavered from this position in my life since. Years ago he told me he liked me, and I was just too emotionally immature to even think of dating, but we stayed best friends, and he got over me. I got a boyfriend about a year later, and he and I were together for almost two years. Over these two years, I went through a period of deep depression that strengthened my relationship with my boyfriend, and damaged my relationship with Mike. I have many reasons why Mike and I could never work as a couple (he wants a family soon, I want one much later, if at all. He doesn't believe in organized religion, and I'm a Christian. I want to wait til marriage and he's... a guy. [I say that humorously, no offense intended to any guys, I know you're not all like that.]) But that depression was what showed me that Mike and I could never work. He can't deal with my depression, at all. I hope I never get depressed like that again, and I work hard to prevent it. But knowing that there's a part of me that Mike can't even deal with or accept in any way is what let me know that, despite being great best friends, we can never be anything more.
Anyway, the dear boyfriend broke up with me once my life reached a point where I was happy and confident, things were stable, and I finally had learned (because of him) to think I was beautiful. Since the breakup, Mike has been hitting on me, and letting me watch his own attempts at love fall apart all at once, and I know him well enough to know he's now trying to see if I like him. I know it's just that I miss having a boyfriend, but I'm attracted to Mike now, and can't wait to see him over break. I'm worried I'll do something stupid and push things a little too far all because I'm trying to fill the gap left in my life now that my ex is gone.
How can I love someone so much, while knowing that loving him is the worst possible thing I can do?