Perfect...Im Not

I mean it doesnt matter the mistake, I will feel condemned for it. It can be anything from saying f*** (Yes, I wont lie sometimes I do get that mad.) to not making sure a fork is spotless. (Forgetting one tiny little crumb)

Everything has to be perfect. I have to be perfect. There is no, "Oops, I made a mistake. No biggie. I said the F word or the SH word or whatever word too many times. Well, I'm only human, I will move on and try better." 

No it is a "You are the most wicked scum bag who has ever existed and God wants you to go to Hell. (Or you are going to Hell)" Even if I have repented of the sin...makes no difference.

If someone else were to swear up a storm or not perfectly wash a fork or whatever..he or she could just say, "Im sorry." and it would be ok. Not me, I cant do that. I have to be perfect. No mistakes allowed.

If I dont get out of my chair in 2 seconds flat to check the laundry, Im beng a wicked sinner. It doesnt matter if there is a cat on my lap, it doesnt matter...I have to be off immediately or my destiny is Hell...

If I dont read my Bible every day, Im going to Hell.

If I dont pray 24/7, Im going to Hell.

If I dont spend all my time on my knees upstairs (literally) 24/7, then well guess what...Im going to Hell.

I feel I have to earn God's love, His affection, His approval, etc.

No mistakes allowed.

Does God understand that I swear and get moody when I have PMS? Does He understand or does He just look at the sin and have no compassion or mercy? Is it just the "You sinned!" instead of "I understand. Come here. I forgive you."?

Why does God have to seem so angry and bitter all the time? I mean but to everyone else loving and patient and merciful? Cant He be that for me too?  Or am I some sort of an exception?

Why do I see God not as wanting to forgive and being loving and gentle and patient and understanding...but the total opposite of all that?

Does it have something to do with the fact growing up I always felt that I had to be perfect and was never allowed to make a mistake?

Like the time some water accidently spilled out of a watering can cause it was real full and I got screamed at like I had deliberately dumped it all on the floor?

Maybe the time that I was told to do something and didnt know what cause I wasnt shown how just told to do it and didnt go fast enough but when I did I got in trouble cause water would spill? Get screamed and yelled at? Is that why I feel I have to be perfect? Is that why I see God as being a major grouch?

Could it be all the times I was yelled at for getting mad? Told "that is enough of that!" or "get over it!" or "I dont want to hear another grumble out of you!" that taught me it isnt ok to get mad or people will get mad at you?

Maybe it was the fact I let one barn cat inside and I was yelled at and told I let the whole county in as though I had purposefully opened the door in and called for all cats everywhere to come?

Maybe it was all those times I didnt stack the dishwasher just a certain way and growled at to move so that so and so could fix the problem and do it the certain way?

All I know is I feel I must be perfect, that I can never ever make a mistake because if I do, then Im not being a good daughter of God or for that matter am NOT a daughter of God....cause to be a daughter of God..I MUST be perfect, sinless, faultless, guiltless, you get the idea.

So if someone knows how to be perfect...please let me know...cause Im not.

Does God understand when I get mad sometimes I swear or does He just look at what I did wrong and doesnt understand?

I remember growing up and I get mad and I get in trouble if I like swore instead of being shown understanding. Swore or whatever. That's what I recall.

Will God still accept me or will He reject me if Im not perfect? Will He hold grudges agaisnt me even if I asked for forgiveness or do I have to like repent 500 billion times first?

Does anyone else feel like this?

Am I going to Hell for saying how I feel?

Will God get mad at me for this? Is He mad at me for this?

Why do I see God as being "You sinned! You are wicked! Get away from Me!"  and no mercy and no love and no understanding and no compassion?

:*( 

 

JesusistheTickler JesusistheTickler
26-30, F
4 Responses Mar 10, 2009

Just ask God and he will show ya, no condemnation for you :) Just compassion. He loves ya, likes ya too! Don't really know ow I randomly came across this post ha but God loves ya dude :)

God NEVER condemns. When you believe on Christ and it seems like it's sorta fallen through - hold on. God isn't finished yet. If you're still breathing, God isn't done with you :)

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of Wisdom, the fear of the Lord leads to life, and those that have it rest satisfied. Scripture says all have sinned and fall short the glory of God. Read Hebrews 6:4-7 and chapter 10:26-31. God is love and grace without a doubt, but Fod is Holy, righteous and just and will judge his people accordingly. I would pray on it, ask for God to humble you, and ask for wisdom and pray that God won't let you fall out of his hand. People are preaching once saved always saved, but those scriptures I just posted say something different. There is the story of the prodigal son. Seek truth from God in prayer and ask for The Holy Spirit to guide you in truth. I wouldn't put much stock in what people say, myself included. Christ promised the Holy Spirit to his followers who would teach all things.

i had to double-check that i did not write this story--i was brought up the same way. everything i did as a kid--was wrong, wrong, WRONG!!!! times infinity. i...thought the two major emotions in life were shame and guilt. thats it. (what made it worse was tho i was the oldest kid, i felt completely unworthy and bested in every way by: all my younger siblings. that'll do a number on the oldest kid--it sure did me, anyway).<br />
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so, i'd say your upbringing is to blame for feeling driven to be perfect, and not God. i feel God is merciful and forgiving, but people understand this when they are ready i guess. i turned out a different way due to a similar upbringing--i am driven to NOT be perfect. this oldest sib in the family is the biggest, most non-responsible loser of us all. i can't go and be 'perfect' after all. my issue is the exact same as yours really, we just are driven to be perfect at different things---so i really identify with your story, and thank-you for sharing it. please do try to ease up on yourself--(i was in my 30s when i finally began to back off of berating myself--i wrote a story about it)--and be good and kind to yourself, you deserve goodness and kindness.

I feel condemned for feeling condemned. what else is new? :*(