There Is Nothing Worse Than...

There is nothing worse than...

Feeling like you're a bother in the world. An extra thing that shouldn't be there in that moment place and time. This Feeling transcends into the very way I express myself, relate to others, and why I make certain decisions. This feeling is worse than the moral one I have dealing with my sexuality and other dubious topics. My mother always made me feel as if I were an object that was just a financial burden to her. It sucked because as soon as I started to

work I would provide myself with basic things she neglected to provide me with. Its gotten so bad that I prefer to pee in a cup or plastic container than to actually get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of the night in fear of "bothering or disturbing" someone. I let my food that I buy with my money go to waste because I don't feel comfortable cooking in my grandmothers kitchen. I dont feel comfortable pooing when they are around i either do it when they are not here or when I am about to shower in the morning and thats IT! I don't like to eat in front of them. Inside I feel like a gypsy that I belong nowhere and everywhere. The only way I feel comfortable in a household is if the "head" people are gone. I guess thats how I have been conditioned (I only felt peace when my parents were out of the house...total hell) In social settings I easliy and can quickly fall into the background and feel uncomfortable and invisible. Its bad..... I am currently living at between my grandmothers house and aunts house because my home was too broken for me to live in it anymore. At both places I feel like I am an extra. And it sucks beacuse its rooted in the way my mother made me feel. Also its so sick how my mother passed down that feeling to us because she never made an effort to get over how she i guess she didnt feel so grounded living between her mothers house and her grandothers house.Thats so sick. I wanna cut that feeling in the noose right now. My brother says that if I move out and get a place of my own that I will just be comfortable with working and staying home and not making any efforts to socialize. And it sounds about right. Whenever I find a niche where I feel like I am not a bother I am always alone. Maybe I am making this more diffifcult than it is. I guess I have to learn to let go little by little.

imageofagirl imageofagirl
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 28, 2010

aww i use to be like kinda like that...but pass two years i completely forced myself to turn around for ME...not for anyone else...thats kinda like limiting yourself and u shouldn't do that...its gona be hard but u have to take those baby steps like cooking and stuff with them being around..i wish u were in miami i would soooo help u on that.*hugs* good luck