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My Shadow

I have NEVER felt as though I were good enough. I'm sure it's the product of being treated that way - parents who expected perfection, didn't tollerate mistakes - whatever. Regardless of where it comes from it surely has followed me around, and affected every aspect of my life. I think what helped lock it in was all the compensating - the impressing, the embellishing, trying to keep up with the Jones's. And it seemed to work, too, so long as the image was all that was required. What locked in even more strongly my core belief of not being good enough, were the people who bought in to the ruse, convinced I was as good as the act. That was probably the most enabling thing of all. My successes have been, for the most part, cosmetic, especially in anything and everything personal - relationships, expressing feelings, needs. And after all the therapies, all the workshops and self help practices, religion, the roots of the "not-enoughness" still remain. It's a haunting - a legacy which follows me into every attempt at connecting, every meeting, everything, ...everything. I feel as though I need an exorcism.
sophrai sophrai 61-65, M Feb 15, 2011

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