Getting To Feeling Like I Am Good Enough Wasn't EasyI used to feel so ashamed of just being alive and so intense was my fear of saying something that was not good enough for someone to hear what I had to say that I started getting panic attacks. Maybe my family had something to do with it but I don't know if it was just me, you see because my mom was always working and she lives with a person I have a restraining order against (another painful story which I still find very hard to talk about, mentioning even a few things on the topic makes me want to hurl) I hardly ever saw her and still hardly see her, so that would mean that I would be living with my dad. No one is perfect but he has some major flaws, first one is his inability to listen and the second is his way in which he treats people. I really love my dad but the way he treated me... well, I didn't exactly feel loved back, how can you feel like you deserve love when you are useless, pathetic, manipulative, playing people, lying, a cheat, malicious, kniving, scheming, spoilt, cocky and cheeky brat? To put it plainly he used to call me all sorts of evil things and never let me say anything back to defend myself - hence me feeling pathetic and from there the belief that I did not deserve to live. Yet as much as I would be wrong (trust me I was always wrong, if I said 1+1=2 it didn't equal to 2, just an example of how argumentitive he was with me), my sister would be right, she could say anything but no matter what she said she was right. Through all this emotional torture (this story is only half of it, there is plenty more but there isn't much use to talking about it because just remembering the rest of it is painful and doesn't benefit me in any way) I was called the favourite child, don't understand that at all, but I was the "favourite".
And then came school and my dear sister was born the same year when I moved in with my dad and step mom (long story, ends with the restraing order). School was the most agonising thing ever (past tense because now it is my escape), my marks bad because I couldn't focus but I was also forced to be with kids who did very well, competition made me feel worse about myself and playing sports still give me nightmares. I moved schools 3 times and became an outcast because I couldn't face my trust issues, books were my best friends and freedom of the mind was and is all I can posses. I kept to myself in class and feared being asked something by the teacher (fear+unassertiveness+stress and trauma= panic attack), I can't say speeches anymore and when asked a question in class I start trembling and my mouth goes dry, can't help it anymore even if I am not scared my body still has a panic attack.
After going through all of this (and more that I won't share) I finally realised that none of this was my fault and that I am worthwhile and deserve to say something even if what I say doesn't make sense. I may never be good enough to my dad but I am good enough to myself and at the end of the day that is all that matters. I am good enough for me and if anyone says otherwise I advise them to take a hike and come back with a mirror because I'm not listening to any of that rubbish again. You can be locked up but if you have peace of mind you are free, thoughts have immense power and if you are trapped in a certain way of thinking you will never be free, no one can tell you what to think or feel only you can decide that - this little phrase got me to where I am and will probably get me through more, if you feel stuck in a rut and feel forced to do things that you don't want to and basically feel trapped please just read that sentence. You can forget all about me but please just remember that sentence and keep in mind that it only works if you are willing to change your point of view.
invisiblyreal 16-17, F 3 Apr 7, 2012