My Legacy

Since I don’t have children, I don't have a conventional family system, but I have definitely created my family of choice. I feel incredibly lucky to include in that again (for now, but we know it can change without notice) my immediate blood family but I also add into that number the amazing group of people whom I have been lucky enough to have love me. I often tell people that each of YOU is my greatest accomplishment. I have surrounded myself and bonded with the most exceptional people I have ever met. Being part of this amazing group of friends has always been vitally important to me, as many of you who knew me in my past know, I have not always made the wisest choices, but I believe that with your help I have milked my mistakes for whatever vast or miniscule lesson I could learn, and then took it to heart. Through all this, I have tried to give you what I value most: honesty, trust and unguarded love.

I think the need to learn has always driven me. I have tried to outgrow myself constantly. My spiritual beliefs might be hard for some to understand, but I believe that we are part of something unfathomably bigger than ourselves, and that we are responsible to strive to understand it enough that we are able to give something back to this life we were blessed with. I have tried to treat each of you as though you have the potential to outgrow any obstacles or challenges you were given along the way, and if I have pushed you a little too hard because of that faith in you, I am sorry. The older I get, the more precious every moment is to me, and I want everyone I care about to live as large as they can.

Nature is alive to me, and I trust that it is absolutely complete in all the metaphoric instructions we need to know to live in our own divinity--God, hiding in plain sight, surrounding us everyday. I wish for all of you, with your busy lives, to remember that all it takes is a good long walk in the woods to remember to listen to the smartest parts of yourself, the parts that will keep you in respectful relationship to your body, your life, God, and the Universe.

Without kids, I've had to be more intentional in where I put my devotion and focus. I am grateful for what I've learned from each of you, and I hope that I have made a difference in all of your lives, if only a minute blip of a second that it mattered. Having to remember to get myself out of the way constantly to serve others has helped me overcome my natural tendency toward self-absorption. This is partly what I mean by outgrowing myself. I've had the opportunity to be several completely different people in this lifetime as I've shed each set of beliefs and limitations, and I recommend it to everyone. It is one wild ride.

At 38, I have to say something to anyone who's younger than me. It's amazing to get older. Not necessarily fun, but amazing. Each age has its gifts and its limitations and I hope that every young, middle aged and older person in my life gets the right kind of support to go for the gusto in their age-appropriate tasks. For example, I wish I'd finished my master’s degree when I was in my 20's and didn't have anything better to do. It gets harder and your energy changes appropriately in each age. There's a lot more of it when you're younger, but it gets more sophisticated and interesting when you're older if you use it for the right things. I say this because I've had a hard time letting go of the past. Today I'd tell anyone, don't miss a minute of your life  go by as you try to hold on to something whose time is over.

My greatest life–transforming lessons have mostly come from the hardest times in my life; the break-up of my serious relationships with lovers and friends, my illness, my sister’s illness, the death of my child.  These were some of the toughest times in my life, but also some of the biggest periods of growth for me as well.  I think that's true of everyone that you dissolve when you are in deep grief and you live in the possibility of deepening your values and focus. For me, as I said above, they were lessons in letting go of the past, the person I was there, and what I wanted in that time, releasing my frantic need to never let go of anything. This must be one of my greatest lessons to learn in this lifetime, since I seem to be given opportunities to work with it almost daily.

Whatever difficulty presents itself to you is a gift, either something begging to be seen and understood or a chance to let go of your personal agenda and align more with the “what is.” Same goes for whatever joy presents itself. Try to find your own way to trust God, the universe, or whatever higher power you believe in so can get a bigger picture than your own small agenda. Once you do, you realize how lonely you were.  

Take care of your health. You're riding around in this incredible vehicle with operating systems you can't even begin to grasp, and it's not only respectful to take care of it, it's critical if you're going to fully enjoy the ride. No matter what state your health is in, be grateful. There are lessons in illness, and the alternative to ANY state of health is death, so don't be complaining unless you're ready to get out of the vehicle.

I don't believe we are meant to understand ourselves, grow, grieve, change, or fully enjoy life without other sets of eyes that see us through love. If you can't let other people in, really in, to influence you and love you when you're at your worst, or save you sometimes, you are going to have a tiny little life and probably be very angry on your deathbed that you missed something and you don't know what it is. I pray for all of you that that never happens to you.

I've tried to be a good friend to all of you. I've tried to bring something into the world that may not have my name on it when I leave, but that brought comfort, encouragement and spark into your lives. I meant what I said at the beginning of this post, you are my greatest accomplishment and I'm so grateful that you have loved me and that I loved you with all my heart.

I hope you will find this love and compassion my legacy.


fungirlmmm fungirlmmm
46-50, F
36 Responses Mar 5, 2009

Thanks y'all

This is a beautiful post. I cannot count the number of times you have brought clarity into my life. So many times I have doubted myself or things in my life and you have been there for me, even when I least expected it. You will text or call when I need it most. Remember the time in the hospital parking lot when you called and I just sat in my car while we bring a sense of inner peace into my crazy world. I know we are always there for one another but these are just a few things that come to mind! Love ya~

Just know that the footprints you leave behind will be those surrounded by wild flowers, with the sweetest aroma.

You are very special to me sweetie. I am so blessed to have known you in my lifetime.

I love you FG. You have brought inspiration and clarification into my life too many times to count. I know without a shadow of a doubt that you are always there for me, as you know I am there for you, whether it be for laughter or tears or anything in between... We carry a piece of each other always and I am totally positive we always will. Hugs.

Here Here BB.

Bravo BB... Well said love.

MT, thanks sweetie.<br />
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Plinko, that was so beautiful.

To know you and have you in my life.....It is my honor ((BOWS)) FG

I agree with that. I should have worried that different.

It isn't up to me. You can't force yourself to feel emotion.

I have never told you I was sorry, because I am not sorry for you. We have been through some of the same things and they have not defeated us Ar. We are going to be the winners. I understand you lock yourself up, and that is because you need to do that now, but I can see you for you and I like what I see. No hurry to unlock that door, just whenever you are ready.

I don't remember what i said about the PM thing but i think i meant is as all those pm's i get that people are just telling me sorry. I'm not sure what i am suppose to say to that, but i guess then i just don't understand how i can be important to you. I'm not sure if i even have anything important to me. All of my emotions are locked up. So far i haven't been able to bring them out again, but it makes it hard to understand stuff like importance.

Adorable means you are worthy of adoration, and you are worthy and admirable. You have been through so much in your life and overcome so much to be the young man that you are. I don’t feel the need to blow sunshine up you’re a$$ and I like the way you normally tell it like it is. Precious to me means that an item or a person is of high cost or worth; valuable or highly esteemed and cherished. You are these things to me. I value your contributions to my stories and your comments, although not always what I want to hear, are pretty right on the money many many times. <br />
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Now assuming that you meant to type “disappeared instead of diapered” (because I am not into diapering a grown person unless there is some medical need to do so.) Now would I miss you if you disappeared from EP? The answer to that is a resounding HELL YES I WOULD MISS YOU!!!! I don’t care how many friends I have AR, you are important to me and I do care so HELL YES I would miss you if you were gone. Do I think about you? Hmmm I would say yes I do think about you sometimes, not in a romantic way, but I do wonder sometimes if you are okay and hoping that you aren’t being treated mean by your brother or father or anyone else for that matter. I purposely do not approach the PM's with you bc u made it clear that you found those useless. So yes I do think about you bc I do like you and I do care. You help me more than you will know by being you and being here to read what I write and to give me feedback.

adorable is suppose to be like a puppy or kitten, and precious is like important, but i am not a baby and i am not soft and cuddly, and i do not understand how i could be precious "important" to you. I have never helped you i don't know about you or your life, we haven't known each other for very long, plus you have tons of friends. I don't see anyway i could be important to you at all. <br />
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Do you think about me at times throughout the day? Do you ever wonder how i am doing? If i slowly diapered would you even notice? <br />
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so no i guess i don't really understand these words.

thanks salar

Profound, logical, inspiring, heartfelt , honest ..........<br />
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What I come to expect from you .......... Fg

I will try to explain if you wish.

i guess i don't.

Really? You don't understand the meaning of these words?

you are using words that i have never used before. I have never looked at something and said it was adorable or precious. Im not sure i even really understand the meaning.

Well it is true. I think you are so precious and some day you will realize this is a true reflection of you.

yeah yeah...

I adore u. lol

what is it you have to say to me?

LOL Ar, I have something to say to you. lol<br />
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Oh IAS, I appreciate your kind words. You are a great person and I am a better one because i have known you in my lifetime.

trust me i know...

LMAO. yes we do and we won't let you forget it.

I don't know what the story said because it is long and i lose focus, but i saw the tittle said i always have something to say, and i felt it was my duty to point out all womenz always have something to say...

Tom, It is meant to be a letter read at my funeral, but why does one wait to share love with those closest to them?<br />
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Flour, Thanks! I think you are great too.

this is beautiful thank you for being so amazing!

Thanks cowboy.<br />
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Dew, I made my avatar. I make all my avatars, although they are usually pictures of me. This one is a reflection of me. <br />
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BB, thanks sweetie.<br />
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Art, TY too sweetie.<br />
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SS, Ditto.

I.) I love your avatar. I would of taken it if I had seen it! My avatar is the BLACK around the light. lol<br />
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2.)"My greatest life–transforming lessons have mostly come from the hardest times in my life" and "Nature is alive to me, and I trust that it is absolutely complete in all the metaphoric instructions we need to know to live in our own divinity..." could have been something I wrote. <br />
We have differnt names, we have differnt names for the Creator But they may all be the same...DD

Thanks y'all! I love you.

You are an amazing woman. String, resilient and always ready to help anyone in need. Thank you.

FG, thank you...for simply being. x