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Sometimes You Can't Choose Who You Are

I always thought I would marry a man who would protect me, shelter me, defend me...

I always thought I would be able to remain that girl..the cute, bashful one who would always be able to remain quiet and polite...I thought my man would deal with the things that required brute and force:P I thought he would stick up for me and I would back him up. lol. I was raised to be gentle...and I am gentle. I want to be the delicate flower that I am inside. Yeah, that might sound silly to some who read this, but that's the only way I know how to describe it. It's very accurate.

I knew the truth about my husband before I married him. I was still pretty naive about it then though. Honestly, I didn't even realize what I was getting into. I still didn't know that I would literally have to change myself to face circumstances. Well, not necessarily change myself. I should say that I didn't know that I wouldn't be allowed to be myself anymore.

On our wedding day, as he was falling apart with nerves, I had to be strong. Even though I was nervous...I knew I was making the wrong decision, but I had already set my mind to it and so I went through with it. While he was shaking, tearing up, and literally getting sick I was busy pasting on the smile, standing up strong, and putting on the front of an excited bride. While others were rushing to me worrying about where this or that was, I was blowing each of those things off without a care. It was easy to not turn into a Bridezilla. I was too busy pretending like I was the happiest bride you could ever meet. I had to be strong and happy...for those around me, and especially for my soon-to-be-husband. I couldn't have him falling apart any more than he was:P Then, that night, while others would have been honeymooning, I was maintaining my strong front....even taking him to see his mom when he was spazzing out, throwing up, and demanding to see her. What a nice wedding night:P And thus begun our wedded bliss:P lol.

Over time, it hasn't changed. His paranoia has improved, and overall he's become a better person. He also doesn't run to his mom as often. However, he still never takes his place as the strong one. When havoc enters our lives I am the one always forced to handle it. When in a urgent or frightening situation, I'm always the one who has to stay calm, keep him under control, and get us through it. I would love to be the girl who clings to her husband while he plays the role of protector...maybe I'd like to be the damsel in distress sometimes rather than the hero every time. Even with financial matters or any phone calls pertaining to important matters, I have to handle them all. I don't mind doing this, but it would be nice if he would partake in a little bit of the responsibility from time to time. He doesn't even stick up for me. His brother hates me and is always saying things about me, even though I have been nothing but good to him...You would think he would like me after bringing my husband out of a terrible depression, getting some meat back on his bones after he'd been sticks and bones due to throwing up so much during the depression, allowing him to visit any time he wants, and encouraging him to do whatever makes him happy....but no, he still hates me:P My husband says absolutely NOTHING in my defense though. He always brags about standing up for those he loves, but he certainly doesn't come to my defense....

To sum it up, I want to be the gentle, innocent, sweetheart...that damsel in distress who is always getting rescued by her knight in shining armor. I don't want to HAVE to be the tough cookie every single time something pops up. Sure, I'm capable of handling anything that comes my way....but that tough, firm, hard-shelled girl is not me....it's who I have to be. Even my sarcasm is a shield, even though I hate it.

Oh well though. This is the life I've chosen and committed to. I guess I'll never have the option to be that same gentle girl ever again...I will always be standing tall and strong for someone else, being their princess in shining armor:P Of course, princesses are supposed to be the damsels in distress...
cherryxblossom cherryxblossom 26-30, F 2 Responses Aug 16, 2010

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i know the feeling my dear....i've always been the strong one...when does someone take care of me? i can handle it, yes, but...i don't want to have to all the time. it IS nice when someone steps up in your defense.<br />
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be careful how much stuff you put up with...don't stay b/c you feel like you HAVE to stay...it's too soon for you to be stuck in a marriage that is only going to make you more and more unhappy...

Well i know first hand how you are going through.I am so sorry at a young age you have great burden.I hope you can spend more time on yourself and discover the life you want to be.Focusing on someone who has a problem and have to be the decision maker of your marriage life is tough.Peace be with yiu.