It's Just Always Been Like That

Although I am the youngest in the family, I have somehow received the role of keeping everyone together.
My older sister has always been the one wearing her emotions on her sleeve, she will suddenly start crying or get mad, ofcourse i have to be there to support her, care for her and comfort her.
My father when stressed, which happens very often get furious at everyone so i have to calm him down and make sure that he is relaxed enough.
My aunt, same thing there, actually when i think about it my whole family only cares that i am always "happy".
No wonder i started harming myself because of the weight of making sure everyone was alright whilst i have always had to control my feelings and swallow them down. 
People depend on me, I don't depend on others. It's really hard to explain but because I have this role of always being strong, just like a brick wall, that i cannot let myself loose my guard and rely on someone else. 
I just hate those moments when I feel that I cannot seek help, I cannot say I am upset, I cannot not help someone. I feel this suffocating feeling and I just have no idea what to do, I literally feel lost

UmbraEyes UmbraEyes
18-21, F
2 Responses Dec 1, 2012

I am relieved to see this. I feel this way all the time and I have been in a similar situation for as long as I can remember. What helped me most was holding my integrity and learning how strong it actually made me. I was eventually able to look at my goals and really push for them. I made it clear that if they wanted to be part if my life, the. I would need support. It is still hard for me to take help from my family. It even makes me uncomfortable. Keep in mind,however, if that is what they are looking for from you, that is what they will try to give to you. Be patient and remain string. You've been blessed with the opportunity to become wise. Take that opportunity and make it worth your while.
- from
A stranger like you

it helps to know that one doesnt stand alone with such feelings and responsibility, i know exactly i mean exactly what you mean when you said that you felt uncomfortable taking help from your family.
thank you so much for your comment :)

I know exactly how you feel. I've always been the strong one in my family, and whenever I feel like I need help, I end up bottling it up.

yeh same i just bottle everything up and end up acting all these "happy" emotions which sucks. im sorry you have to go through the same thing :(