Never Get To Let My Guard Down, Except . . .
Since my husband's accident 2-1/2 years ago I've assumed the alpha role in our household. I'm the single parent in a two parent household. My husband works but not consistently or in the same capacity so I've focused even more on my career to ensure the financial stability of our family. I pay the bills. I clean the house. I run the kids. I take my husband to the doctor, or he doesn't go. He isn't comfortable around people, so my social life is non-existent because our friends and relatives don't come over any more.
When things happen, and in life things happen, there is no one to hold my hand, to tell me it will be ok, to let me cry . . . Except for HIM. He can tell by the tone in my voice or the look on my face that I need a break or a talk. He's the shoulder I cry on, literally. He's the one who calls me and asks me how I am, and tells me not to lie because he cares about me and really wants to know.
And dammit, I can't tell anyone about him because we're both married and people judge married people who have any kind of extra-marital relationship. We don't have sex, but support each other emotionally. Could our relationship turn physical? Maybe. And the fact that we've become so close is killing me. I know it's wrong and I can't stop.
So now the only person who is emotionally available for me is creating even more conflict for me. I have to work so hard already and have virtually no support, then the support I get creates inner turmoil. I just can't win.