I Do

It is as though there is a self-destruct addiction.  I am blessed with so many good things in life and I will inevitably destroy each and everyone of them, and in a way that there will be irrepairable damage.  I feel that I don't warrant them, I feel that they will be taken off me anyroads or that they will try to mess me up first and therefore I build up the walls and then prod and prod and prod until I break them down into a shattering of tiny pieces that when put together have gaping holes.

deleted deleted
3 Responses Nov 8, 2008

oh i can so identify with the "self-destruct addiction" thing! i have loving parents who do the very best they can to raise me into a happy, healthy, successful adult. they've spent hundreds of thousands of dollars putting me through private school since i was in grade 1 & now funding my law degree, & all i can ever do to repay their love, is to screw up all the opportunities i've ever gotten, & waste my life stewing in regret

You're preaching to the choir, Flutterbly. I'm a mid 20's dude but have always been an over thinker and self-destructive... man, I'm excellent at it without ever giving it a try. <br />
<br />
What I came up with to rationalize it is we pick at what's there not to destroy it but to test it's durability. And either at it's point of shattering or when it weakens in a way that displeases us we don't care enough. And destroying things comes easier than trying to superglue it all together or even a bandaid.<br />
<br />
Is it a pursuit of what we -really- want or horrible perfectionisms?

You are not alone in this. Yet I believe there will come a time when you move beyond this, and as you love yourself more, will find room to allow good things into your life.