You Died In December

The day after Christmas I got the news... you passed away. The day you were going to have the surgery that would save your life. You didn't make it. I had just talked to you hours before. You sounded good and you were so excited to be going to the hospital the next afternoon, you knew you would soon start feeling better and couldn't wait to be able to have the energy to REALLY clean the house. We all begged you for the 2 weeks before to have the surgery your heart needed, you wanted to wait until after Christmas. The Dr. said it was imperative, you must have the surgery as soon as possible, you can not wait. You said you hated hospitals. Why did you wait? I think you were scared. We'll never know if the timing would have made a difference.
YOU were my person. I could call you anytime & tell you anything without being judged. You were always excited to hear what was happening in my (boring) life because you said yours was so boring. You left us all that morning. Sometimes I do think you wanted/were ready to go....tired of the struggle. If i knew anyone who had a hard life it was you. You didn't deserve it. You were just my favorite person in the world. You loved unconditionally. You always had advice. I like to think I was your favorite niece. We were so close my entire life. You were my 2nd mom.
It has been 7 months now since you left. I still constantly think "oh i'll just call aunt HB and ask her." "Oh i cant wait to tell HB about that." And then I remember you are gone. No more phone calls. I still talk to you, but it isnt the same. A few months ago I was clearing my voicemail box.... I suddenly heeard your voice. An old message long forgotten. It took me by surprise. I cried like a baby after listeningto you laugh and tell me how your new purse had so many zippers you couldnt find your phone when i was calling you, but you were home now and i could call you back if i wanted. And in your upbeat sing songy voice you told me you loved me.
I love that message. I haven't had the nerve to listen to it again since I first discovered it's existance. I listened to it 3 times in a row before I wrote this. Mascara stained tears poured down my face. I miss your random "i love you" "thinking about you" "miss you" text messages - I accidently deleted them a while back and I felt like you died again when I made that mistake. You were the greatest person and I wish I could call you right now.

I will ALWAYS miss you.
I love you.
marriedintx marriedintx
31-35, F
2 Responses Jul 30, 2012

OMG HOW you ring bells with me

My heart is so breaking for you! I've read all your posts, some going back a few years. You seem such a tragic figure, trapped in a loveless marriage and too weak, too scared, too hopeful, too I don't know what, to change your circumstances. And now I read this heart breaking post about your aunt, whom you loved so much, probably your sole link to sanity, and truly your lifeline, sadly passing away. You're like that sole remaining survivor in the lifeboat, helplessly afloat on a shoreless ocean as you see your last rock of hope pass away. The realization that you are all alone can be overwhelming. But do you see the life lesson, the parallels to your own circumstances, to be found in her loss? Like her, you have been "sick" for a long time. Like her, you have rejected experienced advice and urgings to do something now before it's too late. And like her, you are going down fast and headed towards a certain "emotional death". Well, like so many of the people who have offered their voices of experience, I too have been there and done that - wrong. I ignored the signs, have borne the pain, and have continued in a relationship ever hopeful for a return of love. That's what 28 years and five kids do to you. It makes you hang onto the good memories, rationalize the bad ones, and do it for the kids. And as they turn adults, you reach retirement, and you ponder your approaching mortality, you struggle with whether it is better to stay the course, living separate lives in a common house, or just leave for an uncertain and singular future. Please be smarter than I have. Please be stronger. Please don't wait. You have so much life ahead of you. Make it a happy and fulfilling life. Find love again. You can do this. God bless you!