I Want to Change.

I'm rarely told I'm beautiful, although I do feel like I am some days most days I can't really get past the things that my father once said to me.
I do have my share of imperfections and sometimes they bring me down.

I was a somewhat chubby child, and I ended up thinking I was too fat because my father told me that I shouldn't wear shorts or skirts because my legs were too fat.

I was told that boys didn't like girls with a crooked smile.
My two front teeth aren't perfect they can easily be fixed but we don't have the money for it. I can barley start to save money because my mother tells me she needs it for the house.
I barley smile or show my teeth because I get nervous about what people will think.
But lately everyone tells me it's a beautiful smile, and that it makes me unique.
But still, it hurts me to see it.

I don't wear a lot of makeup, but I do like to make my eyes stand out because they have a nice shape and I have long eyelashes, I find that my eyes are my best feature, but yet again I was told people don't like girls who wear too much makeup.
My sister used to wear heavy eye makeup around her eyes and yet she was beautiful to pretty much everyone.
And I was nothing but average.

When someone mentions a flaw in me I take it to heart and I usually get really upset and hide myself from other people. But on the outside it looks like I'm this confident young woman who could care less.
But that's not true at all.

Sometimes I just want to hear it, sometimes I need to hear it but I never do. My boyfriend gets mad at me whenever I put myself down but... I sometimes do believe what my father said, I know he shouldn't matter because he's not the best father figure in the world but still...he used to be my hero, I used to look up to him if I wasn't good enough for him how could I be to someone else? I'm not even good enough for myself.

I like to draw as well, I drew this great picture of Eminem, but my boyfriend just tells me whats wrong with it, but I keep it up but it's hidden behind a dresser so people don't pay attention to it.
When I write my poetry and read it to my parents my father likes to tell me that there are so many things wrong with it...but isn't poetry about expressing yourself? Does it really matter if some of the words don't sound perfect together?

I'm always belittled my most of my friends and family, and I just don't know how to change it, I really want to change that but everything just stays the same.
My sister will always be perfect, I will never be the best girlfriend or the best friend.
But all I have to offer is myself I don't think I can put out more than that.

I just wish I knew how...

queenisabella queenisabella
18-21, F
1 Response Mar 22, 2009

you are beautiful! who gives a **** what your father or anyone else thinks. your eyes are bold and beautiful. if you want to wear alot of makeup then do it! if you want to smile big then do it! what people say does have an effect on the way we look at ourselfs but if you block out all the negative things and just think about the possitive things then you will be fine. have you ever heard of the expression it goes in one ear and out the other thats want you should do to negative comments. if you live life in fear of what other people think you wont live life at all. please stay positive and stay feeling beautiful about your self every day!