A Life Time Regret

I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant. I was going through a really rough time in my life, I had been raped and well didn't know what to do. Of course at the time I didn't know anything I had barely told my close ones and current boyfriend what had happend. This all happend in August. I had been with my boyfriend on the 2nd and raped on the 8th. I had that gut feeling that I was pregnant, I couldn't stop thinking about pregnancy. I took so many tests and they all came back negative, the very last one I took late August came back positive. I told my mom as soon as I got into my room. Of course she wasn't happy and asked me what I was going to do. I kept saying I don't want it. based on the reason that I had been raped and thought it was his. I hated everything about it, the thought the feeling everything! I went a week avoiding any type of conversation that had to do with pregnancy, baby clothes or anything. Finally it started kicking in that I could bring a baby into this world. I started getting attached to it and fast. Both my mother and my so called boyfriend didn't want me to have it. I felt like I was being forced to do something I was starting not to want. I figured my boyfriend would support me and help me through this. I told him I think I want it and all he had to say over a text message was "get rid of it". My mom had made an appointment for me to get the abortion in Sep on the 4th. The day before I had to go to the appointment I ended up in the hospital I just couldn't stop throwing up. I didn't see it then but I see it clearly now. God had sent me a sign to keep my baby and I didn't see it. I remember showing up and seeing all the people standing outside the building telling us not to do it. I was so terrified I just wanted to come back home. I went inside and the did another pregnancy test to make sure I was pregnant. I was then called to the back for the surgery to take place. Before they started they did an ultrasound and I seen my baby for the first time. I couldn't move I was in shock. All I kept thinking is why am I here? I wanted to get up so bad and run out of there but I was frozen I couldn't do anything and I was shaking so bad. It was all over in 15 minutes. I got dressed and went into the recovery room where they really just treated you like dirt. There was other girls in there as well I was out of there in about 3 minutes. The whole ride home I wanted to cry so bad and just die with my baby. I was depressed for months. I felt in my heart that my baby was a girl. A month after I could look at all the paper work they gave me I seen my due date was on May 2nd my birthday is on May 8th. I thought I was a month pregnant but turns out I was 2. I then realized the baby was my boyfriends and I told him that very moment in tears. He didn't want to believe it and said it wasn't mine. I showed him the papers a week later. He regretted telling me to get rid of it and cried so much. No matter how much I hated him and seeing him there I told him he would never feel the way I feel. It's been 3 years and I regret it so much. I think and wonder how my baby would have been what it would have looked like and how it would have felt to see it. I''m scared to not be able to have children again because of my mistake. I won't ever stop asking my baby for forgiveness and God. I made a huge mistake seeing it now I would give anything to take back time and hold my baby tight. For all you girls thinking about abortion don't do it. A baby is a gift from God a blessing and they give you everything you could ever want. If you don't want your baby or the responsibility there is someone else who is praying for someone like you to help them. Not everyone can have children don't take this for granted its the beauty of life, God made us to carry these beings and show them the world. Don't let go of your baby no matter who is against you and your decision of having YOUR baby! God is with you and he will never leave you alone. Don't be another person full of regret open your heart and take your baby in. I promise it will all be worth it in the end.
nhernan nhernan
Aug 8, 2011