He Forced Me To Do It.

At eighteen, I found out that I was pregnant...and it was the happiest time of my life. I quit smoking, drinking, everything. I also found out at two weeks. The father pressured me into having an abortion that I didn't want. I don't have anyone to talk to about it. I still have nightmares...he kept on and on, and I was so blindly in love with him that he was able to literally break me down into the smallest fractions he possibly could. He would play with my head over it, too. Telling me all these plans with the baby. We wanted a boy. I was going to give our son the father's middle and last name, assuming we got what we wanted. All I want is my baby back. He took that from me. I never wanted to be a parent until I found out I was pregnant. I have the sonogram picture. I carry him with me everywhere I go. In a fire, I would only think to grab that picture. That baby changed me. And because of the father, I couldn't be the parent I wanted to be. I've always been anti-abortion. He didn't want me to have the baby because he didn't love me. I just hope that my baby knows that I love him, still. I don't know how to cope with it. It's been awhile...I don't know if I trust that the pain will ease over time. The abortion is my one and only regret because I wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself. He used the fact that I was in love with him against me...he destroyed me. I don't know how to feel better. I'm afraid of getting pregnant again for fear that I'll feel that it's the wrong baby. I wish I could change what happened. I wish I could make the pain go away. All the drugs and booze in the world can't make it go away. We were going to name him Ivan. I miss him. I wish that abortion was never an option. Now everyday, I feel like a killer. And I'm not. I'm not a killer. I just want my baby back. That's it. I've never been in so much pain in my life. The event almost led me to suicide on several occasions. I don't know how people can be okay with this. I feel like my own life was stolen. Ever since it happened, I've lost my will to live. I don't know how to push through.
ZombieSeduction ZombieSeduction
18-21, F
8 Responses Oct 29, 2011

I feel the exact same way that you do. My ex also picked out names with me and did all this stuff while we were planning to get pregnant. Then once I got pregnant he changed and didnt want it. I also was in love with him to the point i chose abortion. I regret it every single day. All I want is my baby back. I am fearful of having another baby as well. I carry around my babys sonogram as well. I am sorry for what you are going through I know how hard it is. I havnt been the same since. I wish aboriton wasnt an option and that I had my beautiful baby with me now.

I am sorry that you were pressured into this decision. Hopefully you will be strong enough to stand up for your child if you are ever confronted with this circumstance or one similar to to it again. I too live in the land of nightmares so I know what you are dealing with. It is something you cannot really describe. It is unbearably painful and yet your heart is conscious of so much love that is deeper than any other love you've experienced. Abortion outside of rape should be outlawed.

Thank you all, I appreciate it greatly.

:( getting teary. I think we all have our own story to tell. Yours sounds like mine. Try to let the past go...you will have children one day. Pick a good man to be the father of your children..this will be a challenge. There are ******** everywhere.......

I had to comment on your post hun.<br />
I had an abortion October 2010 and it will haunt me forever.<br />
I was married - now awaiting divorce - and my husband said he would leave me if I kept the baby.<br />
How could I do that? I killed my baby cos of a man who was supposed to love me.<br />
Like you, I ask why I wasn't stronger and stood up ttoo him. My baby would be with me now if I had.<br />
But he promised we could have a baby in 2012 if I aborted that baby.<br />
He was a liar. I could never forget they way he treated me.<br />
He gave me no support whatso ever after and it broke our marriage.<br />
I hate myself for what I did and I hate him for putting me in that situation.<br />
I can't ease your pain, but I know exactly how you feel.<br />
I was so desperate to replace my baby and to show how sorry I was that after I left my husband I deliberatly got pregnant with a man I hardly knew.<br />
That ended in a miscarriage. So now I have lost 2 babies in 9 months. <br />
I feel the miscarriage was my punishment for the abortion :(<br />
I believe our babies are at peace and it wasn't their time.<br />
I am crying so much as I type this. I really do know exactly how you feel.<br />
I wish I could take your pain away as well as my own.<br />
Please get some counselling. It will help you. <br />
You are not wicked, you are just a woman that made a decision that you were forced into.<br />
I also wish abortion was never an option and then we would both have our babies.<br />
I don't want to make you more upset I just want you to know that I can relate to everything you said.

that's really sad. hmm maybe all I can say is that do not give 100% love to anybody else. Leave some for yourself. With that, wrong decisions could be avoided. The baby is gone there is nothing you can do with that, except to pray that he might already be in the good hands of our creator. I believe that your baby has forgiven you.

you did what you had to do the next time you make the choice to have a children you may be in a better places to enbjoin the child and share it life<br />
<br />
look at the bad things youwere doing when beofre and think of the risks that posed to the child