Confused.

I will keep a long story short.

I was 24 years old with little family and emmotional help, I was in debt and living in a unpleasent shared house after having lived overseas, my mother of whom was quite neglectfull gowing up moved to Spain when I was 20 and at the same time my Dad sold his house and was planning on moving to France.
I was feeling confused and desperate I Just wanted to run away so I did and ended up living on a friends sofa on the other side of the world.
It turns out she was not a good friend as I thought she was, as one night I got my drink spiked and she left me and I was raped, I had never been through such a terrifying experience and despite being previously optermistic depite life's circumstances I just wanted to die and could not see any future.

A couple years passed I was living in London as I felt I didn't really have a home anymore and my sister lived in London so I rented a room and got a menial waiteressing job, I felt so low that despite sharing my tradgedy with my family I wasen't helped emmotionally. I was in a bad place and had a 1 night stand as a way of realease, I felt bad the next day as it is not like me to do such things, I felt really bad then a week later I decided to say yes to this guy who had been asking me out all year, I had my period so I thought no chance to be pregnant and used protection with him. So when I was with my new boy I thought I was starting a new, The first day after 1 month with him I missed my period and found out I was pregnant, at first I cried then I was excited to tell my new boy and maybee plan a new life together he could support me we move out of shared accomodation get our own place, he was very blze and indifferent about the whole thing. I started having doubts, I grew up in an unstable family and the last thing I want for my children to go through years of the same misserable lfe.
I wanted to give security and warmth but I could barley look after myself.

One night I thought what if it was a pregnancy from the horrid 1 night stand I had ? then I started searching on the internet 'can you have a cycle and be pregnant' and the dates were too close and this was to real to think I was just being parronoid, I couldn't have carried out a pregnancy in that stateand bring a baby into a very miserable life.

Now I am so sorry ashamed of my actions, I believe in god and believe I am maybee still to be punished and maybee I shouldn't have children, I love children and always saw myslef as being a good mother when I did, as I was real close with my gran and went through hell with my mum, I knew how to be and how not to be, I just feel I ruined myself, insulted my once clean slate and insulted my womb. not to mention I wonder if the babys spirit is lingering somewhere hating me for being so selfish, but it was just out of love, I don't want to be a hopeless mum dragging her child up through life rather than giving him/her security comfort stability and happiness.

please forgive me.e
peacepeaceroger peacepeaceroger
26-30
1 Response Apr 11, 2012

Don't regret it, don't blame ur self , if I were in ur place I might do the same ....<br />
It is really a hard time that u are going through ....<br />
Don't give up , there is always a good people somewhere, will give u a hand ....and all difficulty that u are facing , makes from u a strong person....fight to have the life that u are always dreaming of, and believe in god that he is the giver and the only source of our livelihood <br />
<br />
God bless u dear...