The Choice Wasn't In My Hands..

Early September 2011 I was 16 and had been with my boyfriend since May that year. I found that I was pregnant and new straight away that I wanted to keep the baby but I also knew that it would be hard to stand my ground with my parents. Anyway, my boyfriend at the time said he would love to have kept it, but soon after having a private talk with my mum he decided against it. I was heartbroken and felt so lonely.. My dad lives away from me and he didn't speak to me for three weeks because he was so angry with me.. Everyone had turned against me. I felt completely alone in the world.. Every day I prayed to God that mum would see the bad in what she was making me do. She said to me "you have three days, I've booked an appointment"... So I had three days to prepare myself for the biggest regret of my life. It's been a year now, I'm not with the father, he hardly spoke about it.. We've had all of three conversations about what happened. I stopped speaking to my mum and moved out, and I've been kicked out of college because I can't concentrate.. I'm suffering awfully and I don't know how to make it stop. Someone please help? Just someone out there, just help me.. I don't want to be lonely anymore. I need my baby back and there's nothing I can do.. :'(
EVSkinner EVSkinner
18-21, F
4 Responses Nov 26, 2012

I agree, look up Rachel's Vineyard's retreats. I just went to one and while it doesn't completely stop the pain, it does provide you a safe place to grieve and mourn your child and work through the pain. It is run by women who have had one themselves and have come to a place of healing. And you are surrounded by people who know exactly how you feeI and have been there and they have come out on the other side. I feel for you so much sweet girl and I know exactly how you feel and how painful the hurt is. If you ever need someone to talk to, please message me.

Get into counseling. Google Rachel's Vineyard. They have retreats all over and groups. They have non denomination and catholic. And if you can't afford it there are scholarships. The catholic religion offers something called Project Rachel. Lots of the pro life pregnancy centers have post abortion counseling. Get some help for this. Don't let it ruin your life.

When I was 18 my family forced me into having an abortion. After that I went to college and was determined to get a college degree and get myself in a financial position that I was independent and no one could ever make me have an abortion again. Focus on your studies and get your independence.

Sassy300.. Thank you. Everything you said has helped me.. One thing I hate most is when people tell me that I will get over it. Because they don't understand. They don't know the raw numbing pain that girls like us have been through. It makes me feel better when people say that I won't get over it. Purely because that's the reality.. That's the truth. It's about learning to cope with the pain. I'm so sorry to hear about your story, thank you so much for posting it.. It will take me a long time to forgive God for giving me so much abandonment and loneliness in the hardest chapter of my life, but I'm trying and slowly maybe one day I will get there. God bless xx

I'm glad it was helpful. I was afraid I'm make you feel worse and I didn't want that. I'm just very direct and speak the truth as I see it, which I have found most people don't like about me. Thank you so much for letting me know. I, too am having a very bad day and by helping you, it has helped me.
I wanted to mention that maybe you should consider being careful who you tell about it as like you have already figured out, unless they went through it , they can't understand, and you will risk that they may judge you or spread rumors. To this day I have never told my grown son, as I'm afraid he would some day throw it in my face and I would never be able to handle that. It's up to you but just consider it for me.

Hello, I was looking for something else but ran across your story. I'm going to tell you what I think but it likely won't be much help for your suffering.

32 years ago as a single parent of a 6 yr. old son, I discovered I was pregnant with a guy I'd been dating. Right before I told him I was pregnant, as I know he would want to marry me, we had an argument and he backhanded in across the face with such force I literally saw stars. I had to go to work with both eyes & my nose blacked. Because I had already been married 3 times at age 28, I dumped him, as all 3 of my husbands had been very abusive to me, and I was determined not to get into the same thing again. So, what to do. What could I do???

Although abortion had been legal for about 6 years, there was no information on the after effects, and being single & pregnant was just a bigger deal back then. It never crossed my mind that it could be the wrong thing to do. I, too felt like I had no choice, but I realize now that I always had a choice, and so did you.

I absolutely love children, wanted more than just my son, and felt I was young enough, I could have more later. I told myself it just wasn't the right time as I was already struggling terribly just to raise the one child. Also, as I was barely making it financially, I also knew if I suddenly came up pregnant, my son's father would try for custody of the son I already had, plus if I married the child's father, it would be a nightmare, and if I didn't marry the man, I'd still have to deal with him for many, many years.

Those things and so much more is what I used to justify it as just something I had to do to protect my son. I was absolutely convinced that I had no choice but to abort the pregnancy. After the doctor finished I had to lay of a cot for a while, I guess in case of complications. There were about 8 other woman doing the same thing, some talking, telling jokes, etc. but I just laid there and sobbed. The doctor even came to see if I was in pain but I just shook my head no. The 5 hour trip home I sobbed and I have never stopped crying over that terrible mistake.

Had I ever been able to have another child later, maybe I could have forgiven myself with time but a couple of years later I had to have a hysterectomy and that was that. In my mind that baby was a girl over the years as she has grown, I have imagined what she would be doing, about the grandchildren I would now have, about wonderful memories I would have now instead of so much anguish and guilt.

All I can say to be helpful to you, is learn from this mistake and don't ever, ever let others talk you into doing things that every cell in your body is telling you not to do. Time will lessen the pain, but just don't expect it to ever go completely away. When it's the right time and you do have children, give to them all of the love you wish you had given to that child. Never take your children for granted. I am now married to a man that had 2 children that died in a terrible accident. I would have made a wonderful step-mother, had I been given that opportunity. At times I think that God has punished me for that decision, but I then tell myself that it isn't God punishing me, but only me punishing myself.

I'm so sorry to lay my story on you. You are so young and have so much time to have a wonderful life. Don't let one bad decision hurt that chance. Life is hard and we all have made terrible decisions. The pain you are having over this tells me what a wonderful mother you will be someday. Spend the next few years preparing yourself for that event.

Get the best education you can get so you can support those children, with or without a husband. Men are not reliable, in my experience and they don't have the same capacity to give love to a child that a mother can give. Teach yourself that you only have yourself that you can depend on, then become the mother your children can depend on and make them as proud of you, as their mother, as I know you will be on them.

Mainly, learn to embrace the pain of that decision as something you had to experience to become a better person and while I was never able to do it, learn to forgive yourself. Tell that little voice inside of you that keeps telling you what a terrible thing you did, that you just made a mistake, that you didn't know better then but you have learned from that mistake and now you will do better. Then tell that voice to shut up. Even though you are the one seeking help, being able to finally tell my story is a little like the therapy that I've never had to help me.

Thank you for your story and I apologize if I've added to your pain. I hope something I've said will bring you some peace.
God Bless You.
Age 60
Below is an article I found on the subject
Published in “The Pioneer”
November 30, 2002
Column: Effects of Abortion Can Be
Long Lasting
By: Mark Peske
As a counselor, I get quite an education. Most of my professional
counseling is done at an alcohol and drug treatment center. There I sit with
individuals as they go through the "5th Step" - admitting to God, to themselves
and to another human being the exact nature of their wrongs.

I listen as people tell me their life's story, as it really was, realizing that if
they don't follow the steps to recovery, they are going to die of the absolutely
fatal disease of alcoholism. Many people are getting honest with themselves for
the first time in their lives. I routinely hear the phrase, "I've never told anyone
this, but ..."

So I get firsthand accounts of child abuse, rape, burglary, murder and
family tragedies. But one experience I hear about stands out for the intensity of
emotion it generates in human lives. It's the experience of abortion.

It's a subject we don't talk about much. Except when it's couched in
political rhetoric of phrases like "pro-life" or "pro-choice." But I'd like to step back
from the political fray for just a moment to offer you a glimpse of what I've seen
from the insider's view - from those who've gone through the experience and
lived to tell about it.

There are any number of things that are difficult for people to talk about.
And men's "most difficult subjects" are different from women's. But when their
recovery depends on getting honest, I have heard women tell about being
sexually abused as children, being beaten or raped by men, stealing money from
their own children and working in prostitution. Many of these stories are told
through tears.

But I have never seen such anguish on the face of a woman as I have
witnessed on the faces of those who've told me about their abortions. Grief at
the loss of their children, plus guilt at their own part in it, combine like the two
arms of a giant emotional pliers to grip the souls of these women, contorting
their faces in pain and squeezing tears from their eyes.

One woman told me about her recurring nightmare. "It's not a visual
dream. It's what I hear - a baby crying desperately, like it's in pain. I always
wake up sweating and screaming."

Another woman told me about her efforts to kill herself after her abortion.
Many such women doubt they can ever be forgiven, or forgive themselves, for
what has happened. Honestly, I don't think I could continue sitting with women
in this type of setting if I did not have recourse to the healing power of One who
carried the pain of every woman's abortion to a Roman cross, and there cried,
"Father, forgive them, for they don't know what they are doing."

I was also somewhat surprised to see how strongly an abortion can affect
another group of people - the fathers. One 46-year-old man told me how he had
gotten his girlfriend (eventually to become his wife) pregnant when they were in
college. They went to three of their professors for advice.

"We really looked up to them. They were so intelligent and attractive.
They told us the only sensible thing to do was get an abortion. No one ever said
it was wrong. It was illegal in North Dakota at that time so we drove to South
Dakota where it was permitted by law.

"We got back to our apartment and just laid around, feeling like zombies
for a couple of days. Then we got back into our classes. After that we never
talked about it with anyone again. But after a couple of years passed and we got
married, I started to think about what we'd done and became increasingly
uncomfortable about it. But I've never talked about it with anyone till today."

And an 18-year-old young man who'd gotten his girlfriend pregnant when
she was 16 described it like this:

"After the abortion, I felt like my heart had been ripped out. I've thought
about it every day for the past two years. I've always felt like I could never
forgive myself."

Perhaps part of the problem is that women who end up going for an
abortion are always (like the situations described here) in a "crisis pregnancy."
They are not "settled down" with a loving husband to take care of them and their

But one thing I am becoming increasingly convinced of is this: Whatever
troubles a pregnant couple may find themselves in, an abortion never solves the
problem. It only creates a much larger one!

If you are suffering from the effects of an abortion, call your pastor or a
trusted friend and ask if you can talk with them. The road to healing always
begins with finding someone to whom we can tell our story. If you have no one
you feel you can turn to, give me a call at 755-9132.

Don't suffer alone any longer.
Mark Peske of Bemidji does 5th Step counseling at Pine Manor Drug/Alcohol
Treatment Center near Nevis.
Rachel’s Vineyard Ministries
808 N. Henderson Rd.
King of Prussia, PA 19406
Article #19 (Abortion Trauma (AT) General Info)