Now That I Am Finally A Mother

I don't want to tell my whole story...but I'm sitting in this room listening to my 15 mo old baby breathing while sleeping in the monitor and I am in tears. I had two abortion (a year apart) TEN YEARS AGO and it still breaks my heart. I miss my babies every day and think about what my life would be like if I had made different choices.

It's even worse now that I am married and I have a baby. I look at my son (or in this case listen to him breathe) and I have greater understanding of the lives I ended. Motherhood is difficult, even more so in the circumstances I was in 10 years ago. But the LOVE you feel for your child. It was worth fighting for.

Fear makes you do crazy things and I was so afraid when I found out I was pregnant that I was completely blind to the other choices I had; I was completely blind to the support system I did have. I never thought to be afraid of every day after that. I never thought past my immediate circumstance to the woman I am now and the ache I would always feel for children I will never get to hold on this side of heaven. I never thought about the sting I would feel in my chest every time I heard someone mention abortion.

I guess my regret is more palpable today. And I wanted to tell someone. 10 years of secrecy is too many, maybe?

An Ep User An EP User
6 Responses Jan 9, 2013

Your story sounds just like mine except I have never had another child. I didn't cry or tell anyone for 9.5 years. I never realized that all that time it was destroying my soul. I have struggled so much with the realization of what I destroyed. Not only my baby but myself and my relationships. I would have had so much support if I had just told one person and the regret of not doing that is enough to destroy you. I encourage you to look up Rachel's Vineyard's retreats. I just went to one and while it doesn't completely stop the pain, it does provide you a safe place to grieve, mourn and say goodbye to your child and work through the pain. It is run by women who have had one themselves and have come to a place of healing. They were all so kind and non-judgementaI and it was encouraged to grieve and cry. And you are allowed to bring a support person if you don't want to do it alone. I feel for you so much and I know exactly how you feel and how painful the hurt is. If you ever need someone to talk to, please message me. At the retreat one of the counselors told me- The abortion is something you did, but it is not who you are. Don't let it define your life. I know that it is incredibly hard, but I try to keep that thought in my head. It is a part of me, but it is not the whole me.

I like what you said; when fear makes you do crazy things. I have tons of experiences with that. And you made me look at abortion in a more broader sense. We all don't really know what goes on a in woman's mind or even on the operating table. We don't know the reasons, circumstances, the feelings, the amount of fear. We just don't know. But you're a mother now, successfully! And that's all that matters.

Thanks for the comment and support. I was in an extremely abusive relationship when I got pregnant (both times) all those years ago. I was terrified that having a baby meant I would be trapped in that relationship for life or that I couldn't keep my babies safe. Abortion seemed like the only way to save my own life - literally. We can not know what drives a woman to terminate a pregnancy, but I can say that I do regret mine. I've spent 10 years aching for my babies back - I could have been spending those 10 years fighting for the safety of those children. I can see that now that I have my son. My love for him finally broke through all the fear.

That's a long time to keep such a big secret, and I hope it helps to let it out. You are not a bad person, and I am sure that you are a wonderful mother. It is crazy what hasty decisions we make simply out of fear. I hope to give you peace, and I thank you for sharing your story. I always wondered how having my abortion a year ago now would affect me being a mother.

Thanks for the encouraging comment. I'm sure that becoming a mother effects other women who have had abortions differently, but for me it magnified my regret because I understand the blessing of being a mother NOW - and back then I thought of having a baby as a albatross. I was wrong. I try to forgive myself for what I didn't know, but it's hard some days. I love my son SO MUCH and grieve the love lost when I ended two pregnancies 10 years ago. It's complicated for me; for all women, I'm sure

I know how you feel. I'm so glad that you were able to have a baby though. I was basically forced to have abortion. I want to kill myself so I can see my babies everyday. Thank u for sharing

I'm so sorry to hear that you did not get a choice. It is hard to live each day wanting so desperately to be with your baby, I understand. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about them. One thing that kept me going these last 10 years is that I promised myself and my babies to live a life that honored their death. Your life is worth living. One day you may become a mother. There are more children for you. I will pray for you.

Do you know the website It's very good, and healing oriented.

I had not heard of that - thank you for sharing.