The Moment That Will Never Stop Haunting Me

In October 2009 I had a date with my then boyfriend. We went to see 500 Days of Summer at the cinema and then we went to his place after. We all know what came next...

Ten weeks later, my period was two weeks late. My friend said I may be pregnant. I laughed it off saying that it would never happen to me. I was on the pill!
I took the test anyway. It was positive. My first thought was "sh*t" but then I reasoned it could be a false positive.
So I took three more – all showing the same result.

I told my parents and my then boyfriend. My parents also said "sh*t". My boyfriend asked me what I wanted to do. I said that we had to get rid of it. He said "good". So then we got the ball rolling.

It was two weeks after finding out that I had the procedure. Meaning that I had time to think about it. In this time, I grew attached. I knew it was a boy, I don't know why, but I just knew. I started to have second thoughts by then. But for the "greater good" I forced myself to do it.

On the day of the procedure, I cried from the moment I got to the clinic to the moment I got into the chair. There were complications and it went wrong. But the baby died, so I guess it was a success in that respect.

What ensued after the procedure over a few months was pain, emotional trauma, a hospital stay and constant regret. I still hate myself for it, and it has taken me three years and a lot of therapy to just scratch at the surface of now I really feel about what I have done.

I will never stop regretting it, but I am learning to live with myself. I hate myself and I always will. That won't ever change. But I have learned to start doing things for myself. With a big decision like this one, I will learn to make it for myself because making a decision like this for everyone else's benefit will leave you scarred and full of regret until the day you die.

So, that's my story. The bridged version anyway :-)
happydays0 happydays0
31-35, F
2 Responses May 7, 2013

I feel your pain.. I'm in year 2 and I just hateee myself. I don't want to go to work or school tomorrow. I want to go to Heaven and be with my baby. I just don't know what else to do anymore. Not turning to medicines, not interested in a counselor who will write down my life's story for a paycheque..

Why didnt I think of all thing last week I trusted everyone else and now I feel I was manipulated into it but my mum, boyfriend and the counsellor at the clinic, and they are mad at me now for wanting to die, not caring if I woke up tomorrow