Abortion, Religion, Hell..

I joined today because I can't stop crying and hating myself for a decision I made two years ago. My boyfriend and I of 3 months got pregnant and my l life spun out from under me. I was 24, and I wanted to keep my child. My boyfriend was even supportive. It was trying to tell my family that was the hard part; so hard that I left my abortion until week 12.. hoping at some point I would find the strength to tell them that I was pregnant out of wedlock, I had just lost my job, and we were short-term living with his family friend in an awful home and situation. The friends had kids of their own, and the way of their living disgusted me (freezing house, dirty mess everywhere, using plastic plates so nobody would have to do dishes as the sink was already full, kittens had fleas..). It made me scared to think what if our life became that?? I came from a good family, and what if my boyfriend was okay with living the way these people were?? I'm still with my boyfriend today.. but he pretty much hates me and I can't even argue with him because I hate myself. Life got better for us over the months (it got worse first) but now I see how it effected us negatively. I think now about that child with us; happy, smiling, teaching us every day. It would have been GOOD for both of us, a BLESSING. I know he would have been a great father, and since then I have broken down and told my parents. I cried to them the other day of my regret and remorse again. They still love me but I am not getting the help and assurance I need that I wasn't healthy then and things will be okay.. because I am far from okay. I want to quit my job and school and let go of life to be with my baby.. nobody and nothing in this world matters anymore and I'm disgusted in my weakness back then and the cowardliness I showed. I will hold this regret the rest of my life, and do not think I deserve forgiveness.
xxoj xxoj
26-30, F
2 Responses Oct 20, 2013

that is true.. just hard to move on.. hard to let go.

I completely understand. I take it minute by minute. Its a damn hard pill to swallow.

sweet heart dont hate yourself. hate what you done. I hated myself and my ex.(we didn't make it) for weeks. Then I realized it was what we done that was so painful.