I didn't find out about my pregnancy until I was almost 3 months. I didnt really worry when I missed my period because my period is normally like that sometimes I skip and I'm on medication for that, but when I took the test and it came out positive I wasn't sad I was actually happy but I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it because my boyfriend and I aren't married yet, we dont live together and thats not really the life we would want for our child. I found out last month and two days after we went to the doctor and got an ultrasound, I honestly didnt expect the baby to be that big, the doctor said he was big for his time. Just seeing him there, hearing his heart beat and knowing he's there made me develop a strong bond to him, I would press gently on my belly and feel that he's there and honestly that's the BEST feeling in the world. But I knew I couldn't keep my baby, not that I wasnt ready, I've been dreaming of this day I was so ready but I've had a pretty messed up past, I know a past doesn't determine a future but my family judges me so much. My uncles, aunts, cousins, everyone. I wanted this child but knowing that they wouldn't support me and judge me even more would just kill me. So I spoke to my boyfriend about that, his mom and aunts wanted us to keep him but I couldn't face my family I dont know why I care so much about them when all they do is neglect me. We came to the decision to have an abortion, I didn't want to do this, I kept praying for forgiveness and for God to show me a way to do this without the abortion but there was nothing I could do. 6 days after the pregnancy test we went to the doctor to get the abortion done. I only got to spend 6 days with my baby in me, well knowing that he's there, for those 6 days I did my best for him I ate healthy, everything I craved I ate it and I held my belly every night to sleep and every night I would cry knowing that I would have to let my baby go. That was the hardest decision ever in life. Sitting there in the doctors office just waiting I was having second thoughts but I knew I couldn't do anything about it. He chose to give me the injection, we waited a few hours because he was pretty busy, then he gave me the injection, he said I would feel some chills and I like a few seconds after. My boyfriend had to hold me I was shaking like a leaf and it just wouldn't stop, I had to lay down on the bed and try to make myself warm they even switched off the ac but nothing helped, I couldnt breathe I thought I was going to die I was so scared, it lasted for 20-30 minutes. The Doctor said the baby should come down within 24-36 hours but it didn't, I didnt even get much pain. Two days later we went back but this time he had to expand me and insert the medicine inside me, but he had to tie my feet and im claustrophobic and I had a little panic attack there so he left me for a while to get comfortable, it hurt so much and I cried so much it only lasted like 10-15 minutes. He said the baby was right there and within a few hours it would come down. After about 5 minutes I started getting contractions, as the hours went by it got worse, that was the worst pain I ever experienced. When I went home I was bleeding a little, I spent all evening in pain, my parents didn't know because I couldn't face them. In the night the pain just kept getting worse I tried to sleep but I couldn't, I made so much trips to the toilet because I felt it coming down then around minutes to 12 the same night I felt my water break, I went in the toilet and a little bit of stuff came out but the worst was yet to come. After 5 minutes I went again and I started to push then I put my hand anf I felt his head so I pushed more until I was able to pull him out. I lost my mind I didn't know what to do that was the worst thing that ever happened to me, seeing my lifeless child, I feel so guilty I've been crying ever since, it's only been a few days and I'm having suicidal thoughts I dont know how to deal with this, I just want my baby back I wish I didn't have to do that and it's killing me I'm trying to deal with my depression but it's really hard.
mylittleangelA mylittleangelA
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 3, 2016

Dear, I hope you have gotten help for yourself. Depression is an illness. Also remember that our God is loving and merciful.

thank you

Killing yourself will mean two sins. Why not accept it as one of those irreversible wrong decisions we make in our lifetime.
Believe me, many people feel like you but just decide to move on afterwards.
The lesson to be learnt is that you should learn to be yourself when making future decisions. Never make decisions with your heart 'cos it's fragile and deceiving, make it with your mind and cool head.
Sometimes putting your long term interest before that of others doesn't mean you're selfish, it only shows you're taking care of yourself and avoiding future feelings of guilts or suffering.
Try get pregnant when you're ready and imagine it's that child who'se gonna come back to you, even tho it's not.

Maybe you learnt this lesson to be able to help or stop someone special to you in future e.g your own child from making the same mistake.
I did it too! Regretted it!! But I gave myself a second chance, forgave myself, asked my God for forgiveness.
And guess what??? I'm healing.

Luv and healing wishes.