Easier To Lie Than Explain

"Hey! How are you?"
"Well I'm bleeding from multiple shallow wounds on my shoulder and upper left arm. My thigh hurts quite abit because I've got a few deeper cuts there. I'm not happy with these so I'll probably do a few more in a few days. And ultimatley I don't understand why I'm doing this but it makes me feel better so I'm going to carry on. How are you?"

Thats pretty much how I predict my conversations going if I told the truth about how I really feel. Its not that I want to hide and lie but I don't think people will understand. I hope someone does because I don't.
Its not even about the self harm. Its about why I feel this way to begin with. Why the cutting doesn't work as well anymore? I can deal with the blood and scars, I even want them. Like having them, like showing off that I've got a problem that causes me to do this.

"Why didn't you come out last night?"
"Sorry was busy carving myself up in a mirror until I made myself dizzy and lightheaded. Hope you had a good one though"

Just easier to say I didn't feel like it. Or that I didn't have enough money. Because no-one wants to hear the tale of the pathetic bloke who can't even handle a night on the tiles because he's too emotionally and mentally ****** up.

"Hey its just banter"
"Yeah well to be honest mate I don't like it. Its actually pretty derogatory to hear myself spoken about like it. And I'm glad its such a joke to you because thats why I'm here so you can make fun of it."

Yeah I'm still a virgin, yeah everyone likes to remind me. No I'm not fine with it. No I'm not waiting for ******* right person I'm just ****** up in the head so that every time I get close to someone I find out they've been ******* me around all along. OR I'm so ****** up I just can't do it. I end up feeling wrong about the whole thing and make myself look like a moron.

Its just easier to lie than explain to people. Because they don't want to understand. They might care about me but ultimatley they don't want to know about it. I love my friends and I don't know where I'd be without them but its not worth me explaining this to them anymore because they've heard it all before and I'm happier knowing they're not treating me any differently.

I'll deal with this myself because I don't want to infringe on the rest of the world. I'm selfish and self obsessed enough as it is and this constant cry for help is just an extension of that.
Don't ask my why I'm writing this because I honestly don't know. I just feel pathetic, worthless and depressed. I wish I could say I didn't care anymore but I do.
AgeonAngel AgeonAngel
Aug 9, 2010