I'm Fine

I have a flaw, a fatal flaw that I wish I could change, but that change will take strength, it will require constant work to overcome, abit like addiction; you see I always say I'm fine, even when I'm not… I shrug off my feelings of despair, pain, loneliness or heartache as trivial to those around me, saying ‘I’m fine’ when inside, inside I am crumbling, shattering, breaking apart… I hold myself together on the outside, when really I feel like a puff of wind will send me scattered on the breeze, never to be put together again…. I want to be held and told that everything will be alright, to cling to someone else’s strength but I don’t.

I struggle on, on my own, giving a shoulder to anyone who needs it, a hug, hopefully a kind word or deed, to show I care, that I am there for them, but I can’t give in myself, to show them what I need, because I am afraid; I’m afraid if I show them my weaknesses that they will use them against me, or worse, be repelled by my neediness, my weaknesses my fears.  So I keep it all inside, I present the image I have cultivated, of being strong, confident, self-assured, self-reliant, of being FINE; and the more I keep doing so the more I can believe that I really and truly am!

lostlittlefirefly lostlittlefirefly
36-40, F
May 21, 2012