If Only They Knew.....

At work and generally, I am known as the happy, go lucky girl who runs the daycare and manages the kids sports club at work. I am always being told that I come across as really cheerful. If only they knew what is going on inside my head. That I have a mentally ill sister who I am supporting pretty much alone as my parents are in denial. The night after she tried attempting suicide, I was back at work, still smiling, still being strong. Nobody would have known anything was up. I keep smiling even when my mother berates me and treats me unkindly for not being her version of what is acceptable and normal. It kills me knowing that I am a disappointment to her and yet I keep strong and happy around the children. I don't let anyone know how I am single with no friends and that sometimes I wonder what the point of being me is. Some days I feel so hurt and burdened inside but I pretend I am OK. I have been burnt so often by people that I keep my emotional pain to myself. The one time I did confide in someone who I thought would care, they ignored me for ages and only a week on did they come and speak to me about it all. Ever since then, I feel like a complete embarrassment and very awkward around this person.
Until I know for sure I can trust someone, I will keep pretending that I am OK. I stay strong because of the children I work with, my friends on EP and the fact that I have hope. Hope that things in life can change and that I won't always feel this way. That's what I have to cling to.
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1 Response Dec 8, 2012

I'm with you. It's easier to just smile and pretend everything is ok. Most people don't care enough to listen or just observe the pain in our eyes. You're not the only one who feels this way. It's hard to find true friends. If you have one hold on for dear life cuz they're hard to find.