I Keep Saying Stupid Things
I don't know why and I don't know when it started but for as long as i can remember i've always said the frankly dumbest things. Examples being racist things without realizes the race is in the room and hear or even racist things against myself. Inappropriate things that i just kind of said without realizing. Embarrassing attempts for attention. I don't know why i say these things but i can remember doing them since the first grade, embarrassing things that i regret as soon as i say them. Eventually i get over it but not before suffering through a whole day of work or school thinking about it and regretting it. At the same time i don't want to be the real me i suppose, the one that prefers not to talk and would rather sit in the corner thinking of ways to commit suicide. I've always battled with the idea of wanting friends but i never have anything good to talk about so i blurt out embarrassing comments, i suppose this means small talk is my problem, i've always battled with it for as for as long as i could remember. I even know how this problem rooted, when i was a child and i had to live with my abusive mother i was never allowed to talk and now i can't have a normal friendly conversation with anyone. People tell me it's okay (i apologize a lot) but i know it's really not, it's something that's inappropriate and it's what has made me into the social outcast that i am today.