So Very Confused...i Need Help!

I have been with my boyfriend for about 2 years (at the moment, he is my ex-boyfriend).  I have always been one of those easy going type of gals, a guy's best friend type thing, not too girly (although I like shopping, fashion, makeup, and shoes; but I never have put it on him).  My boyfriend and I knew each other since high school where I assumed he was with one of my best friends.  Over the years, we graduated, he went into the Navy and I went to college; we didn't know each other very well and I only heard about him when my friend (who was obsessed with him) would tell me about him since she kept in contact with him.  I thought he belonged to her and I never made anything about him at all; just an acquaintance.  In the summer of 2006, my friend (the one who was obsessed with him) and I went to our old high school's grad night at Disneyland as guests of friends we knew (I graduated in 2004).  Little did we know, he did the same thing with a friend he knew, and all three of us ended up meeting there.  My friend was all over him and I felt like a third wheel; he was always that very charming, handsome, quiet guy (a Johnny Depp-esque guy, and he even looks like him).  But it was that night that I finally had the chance to have a private conversation with him while my friend was in line buying candy (needless to say, once she saw us sitting together talking, she dumped her candy and came running).  To make it clear, I had no intentions of anything happening between us because my friend was literally in love with him, even though they never ever dated; I guess he didn't like her that way but was too nice of a guy to hurt her.  Then, towards the end of 2006, he emailed me a few times, which I thought was odd (considering I didn't know how he got my email) and that was it.  I didn't hear from him again until the summer of 2007 when he started calling me and texting me out of nowhere.  We started talking; I ended up housesitting for my older sister while she was out of town and he came to visit me (he was on vacation, still part of the military).  We had lunch the day he was supposed to go back to his station and after that, we kept in touch from July 2007 all the way through February 2008, when he came back again for vacation.  We kept in contact through email and phone (he was stationed out of the country and practically across the world!).  I really missed him and knew that something was going to happen between us (even though I didn't need it, and neither did he, but we both got the "ok" from our mutual friend who was obsessed with him).  In March 2008, we started hanging out, started kissing, and we slept together shortly after (my first time).  After we spent two nights together, we made it official that we would be exclusive.  Then at the end of March, he had to go back to his duty station to fulfill the rest of his military contract, which would end in June of the same year (so I had to wait for him for about four months; back to phone calls, texting, and email).  So that's the background of how we met and how it got started.

I was able to borrow money to go visit him on the east coast for a few days which was awesome, in late May.  It was at the end of that trip that we both told each other that we loved each other.  Then in July, he finally came back.  That's when problems started happening.  I already knew that we were very different and grew up in different cultures (he is hispanic, I am half white/half indian, but I was basically raised in a white american culture, even though i don't look white at all...most people mistake me for being hispanic).  Ever since his return in July of 2008, we started fighting and it seems to have never stopped.  In my opinion, he has a very warped views of things (I don't know if the military did it to him or not).  I personally believe that a lot of it has to do with his age: he is about 9 months younger than me (we're both in our early 20s, but I promised myself I would never date someone younger than me or close to my age because of the immaturity factor).  However, the military did mature him and so that's why I didn't think it would be so bad.  We went to Tennessee to pick up his things since he couldn't transport everything when he initially came back; that trip didn't go without a fight.  Then we went to Mexico directly after that (I was gone from home for a total of a month since the trips were back to back).  That trip didn't go without a fight; about a fight every few days.  We barely made it to our 1 year anniversary; when we got there, we promised that things would be better.  They haven't gotten better.  Starting in July 2009, we have been breaking up on and off (both him and I doing the breaking) and it's killing me.  I HATE HATE HATE drama and this is so much drama.  I have to admit that I have been the one who has done the most breaking up, but I always go back to him because I really do love him, but he makes me feel like crap all the time.  All of our fights revolve around me not doing things the way he thinks they should be done.  He sees things in very black and white terms: to him, there is only one right way to do things, and there is only one right answer to problems, only ONE.  He has been telling me that I need to change the way I do things for the better, to better our relationship (I will admit that I've had personal body issues and emotional/communication issues, but I have gotten over most of them because of him, which is good).  But its the smallest of things that **** him off and he's constantly blaming me for the downfall of our relationship (although he always denies that he does).  I keep telling him that he doesn't really love me, but he loves an idea of what he wants me to be.  I've told him that he hasn't been able to accept me the way that I am, as I did for him.  If he had accepted me, all of our fights or at least most of them, would have never taken place because our fights are always him attacking me and I naturally defend myself.  Names and insults are thrown all the time and it just never seems to work.  I started taking birth control one month into our relationship at both his request and for my own peace of mind.  We only used condoms for the short vacation he was on when we first started going out; after that, that was it.  And it was only two weeks into our relationship that he started asking when we wouldn't have to use them anymore.  Anyway, I went ahead and got them and needless to say, birth control has caused heavier periods and painful cramps (all of which I never had before), but I went ahead and kept with it to make him happy so we didn't have to use condoms (I ended up getting HPV from him which in turn caused a pre-cancerous cervical condition; and he was the only person I had every slept with; he had had three girlfriends before me, all of which he slept with and explicitly told me he used protection and I was the only person he didn't use protection with, and I believed him because I didn't have a reason not to believe him; I guess that's what I get for, although it wasn't completely his fault since I found out from my doctor that HPV and herpes are the only two STDS you cant be protected from, even with a condom, and men usually don't know if they have HPV cause there's no test to test them for it and no symptoms of having it; men are so lucky sometimes).  Anyway, when I first started the birth control, I underwent a painful, painful six week long period; I've had moments of almost blacking out (due to BC) and have had some other minor issues; all of which I put aside so we didn't have to use condoms and he would be happy.  Since his leaving the military (honorably of course), he has been on a very very long "vacation"; lasting our entire relationship of two years.  He has been on unemployment not doing anything except hobbies and house stuff; I have been a full time college student, working at the same time, and have had to struggle to make time for him; he never cared as long as I went over to his house to be with him.  I've had to stay up late nights, get no sleep, and push assignments off to make time for us to spend the night together, go out, etc.  Basically, all he's had to do is wait till I show up.  Needless to say, I've been tired (and even more than normal because of the BC).  The problem is that he's always saying that I'm not doing enough when I feel that I'm running on empty, just for him.  I've never worked so hard at anything my entire life.  Because of the birth control, I have also lost some of my sex drive so I don't feel in the mood all the time, and he uses those opportunities to say I'm not doing enough.  He is a great guy, very very smart, full of potential; he was raised in an abusive household with emotional and physical abusive parents (mostly his mother).  He has never ever been rough with me and I know he would never hurt me, but I get the feeling that he is somewhat of an emotional abuser and he may not know it because he was raised with it.  I've basically neglected my friends for him because he didn't like me talking or texting with them.  He has no friends and his most exclusive relationship has been with me.  So that's our relationship in a nutshell (I feel tired just thinking about it all).

The BIG problem now is that I am set to graduate in three months.  I want to move to New York to start my career in book publishing, but he HATES New York with a passion.  I've told him that it isn't that bad (I lived there for a year).  He is planning to start school right as I finish; he is going to use his GI bill to go to college and get his BS.  When we "broke up" about a month ago, we got back together and he said he was going to find a school in New York so we could move there together.  Basically he was offering to pay for an apartment with his GI Bill and get us over there.  I was ecstatic that he was offering me that (I don't have the best credit and he does, so his help meant everything; he knew he had the power to get me over there sooner).  Everything between us was great; until a few days later, he took away his offer because I didn't ask for it, and he didn't want to do it for me unless I asked for it.  Now I am a bit of a confident person who doesn't ask for much; I am a strong woman.  This devastated me and I broke up with him yet again because he used one of the most important things that meant a lot to me against me; he literally used it against me and manipulated it.  I was pissed and truly upset; I didn't know how I was going to trust his word again.  But we got back together and after a few weeks, I asked him and he said yes.  The problem now? He really doesn't want to go at all and I don't want to force him.  I know that if he goes out there with me (he has two big dogs and he's expressed concern of them living in cramped spaces), he is going to be miserable and make the experience for me miserable.  I told him that all he had to do was go to school; I wanted to make it pleasurable for him and I would pay for all the bills, food, transportation, etc. (he'd pay for the rent with his GI bill).  I would take care of all the cleaning, helping with the dogs, EVERYTHING.  And I want to do all those things just because I love New York so much and I figured to live there with him would be so fabulous.  But about a week ago, he said he was thinking about it and that it really wasn't in his best interest to go out there.  Again, he was basically taking away what we agreed on.  There's so much more to this (things that would probably make a lot of people hate him), but these are the most important things I'm dealing with now.  We broke up four days ago (Sunday night, now is Thursday).  He again was blaming me for doing this and that (holding my dog while he was sitting next to me was one of them; he hates my little Jack Russell terrier for some reason, but I know he'd be mad if I didn't like his huge pit bull/lab mix, but I do like him).  Anyway, the whole conversation was full of negative remarks about me and how he could find someone else out there better than me and that our relationship is all messed up (he used stronger language than that).  I started crying like always (this was over the phone; I've cried more than ever in the past two years).  I asked him if he noticed that all the things that came out of his mouth were negative remarks about me, nothing positive (although he did say I was a great woman).  I called him nicely and said we needed to talk about New York, and he launched into this whole tirade of the things that I'm not doing in the relationship.  And so I broke up with him because I truly feel that we're not compatible, and I'm not the one for him.  I know he doesn't want to go to New York, and I'm struggling with the idea if I should give it up for him or not.  I really don't know what to do.  I know this is a really long story, but I need help.  I have no one to talk to; that is I only have people that would give me biased opinions because they're on my side (family).  I don't know what to do.  I love him, we do have a lot in common, we do enjoy each other's company, we love just lying together, drinking champagne together for no special reason, we love going out together, watching movies, we are extremely comfortable with each other (the only guy I've slept with even though I have some body issues, even though he tells me I'm beautiful and I'm ridiculous for thinking otherwise; and he's the only guy outside of my family that I've let see me without makeup, and the only other guy I've actually slept with, meaning going to bed with him at night and waking up in the morning; needless to say, he's been a lot of firsts for me).  We do truly care about each other and love each other.  We've had marriage and children set in our sights; just a week before we broke up this last time, we made an agreement that we'll spend four years in New York for me (while he gets his degree), then spend four years where he wants and start a family, then choose to move if we want.  But then he started questioning our deal saying that it's not in his best interest to go to New York in the first place, which led to our last argument, which led to our last break up.  I have been trying and trying to come up with what I should do, and this is where I need help...desperately!  I miss him so much, but I don't want to give up my career.  He makes me feel like crap a lot of the time, and we really aren't compatible, but I just don't know for sure.  Two years may not seem like a lot, but with him, it really was different.  It felt so much longer than that.  I just really feel that I'm not the right one for him, but I miss him at the same time.  I know if I said we should get back together, he'd accept since he didn't want to break up in the first place.  I'M SO CONFUSED.  Most people would say not to give up my career, but what's it all worth if I don't have somebody to share it with?  And in honesty, four years isn't enough for me to live in New York; I've wanted to live there forever! I only got 1 year during college, but had to move back home because I couldn't afford to live on my own since I was a full time student.  Anyone having similar troubles? I know mine may seem complex, but is it worth saving my relationship and making up?  Or should I just move to New York and find someone else?  I just can't imagine myself with anyone else but him, even though we probably aren't good for each other.  Anyway, that's my story, my struggle, and I'm dying inside; slowly but surely.  I don't know what to do, for the first time in my life.  Any input would be sincerely appreciated.


lovesicklostwoman lovesicklostwoman
22-25, F
Feb 26, 2010