It's Not Them

....it's me that's judging myself too harshly. It then becomes a vicious circle, and so it goes....

Mizz

mizzen123 mizzen123
46-50, M
12 Responses Feb 19, 2010

Mizz, we've had this conversation many times. It is important to understand the origins of those pesky little personality quirks we have. Still, we just have to keep working through them. We'll get there! I have faith in us. : )

Waking up this morning, I re-read what I wrote in the post above, and I hope it makes sense! This is what a pint of Guiness and a veggie chilli does to me, lol! <br />
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It is typical of me to me to throw a curveball on my own hapiness! One moment, I'm jogging along quite merrily, the next minute, I pull the metaphorical rug from underneath myself and question myself once again. <br />
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I know where this comes from. Yesterday afternoon, I was sorting through some stuff at home, in readiness for a visit from my lady's parents later today. I started reading some stuff I'd written at middle school about a friend I'd just fallen out with, one of the few proper male friends I had. I can't remember what it was over, except that it something I said, but not meant in the way he'd taken it. Now, most people would just shrug it off as something we've all gone through, but oh no, not me. I was mulling things over when we were out, and I had to get something down, however muddled it came out. <br />
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I sometimes think that no matter how much people like me, and despite the fact I know I'm a decent chap, I often feel that I'm walking on a precipice of acceptance. I know it's 'all in my mind' as they say, but it boils down to a lack of self-confidence that is literally taking a lifetime to work through. <br />
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Mizz

Eve, thank you.<br />
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You can feel responsible for all the ill that happens in your life, even when you know that it isabout other people's agendas, and it certainly is amorphous, something I cannot always make sense of.<br />
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Mizz

Young children tend to love their parents no matter what. And if a parent is neglectful or abusive, the child tends to blame him or herself. A whole inner world based on being inexplicably bad can develop and be very hard to overcome. Even in the absence of abuse, a divorce at a critical age can set off feelings of somehow being responsible. I don't go there often anymore because of a lot of work on myself. But it used to be a daily condition. Part of what makes it painful is that it is so amorphous.

I will add something else myself here, and I apologise for getting a little heavy, but I know that this springs from my childhood, and not being able to stand up to my father and therefore not being able to speak to and make friends with other children. It made me forge my own identity and I (mostly) appreciate my emotional and psychological make up, but it's no easy ride.<br />
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Mizz

Breath deep and try to imagine your thoughts as a stream going by, rather than a speeding train.<br />
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It's funny how most people tend to be too far in either direction. We all know people who blame everyone else for everything that goes wrong in their lives, and never think about their own contribution.

lol, Eve :)<br />
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When my tendencies start, it's like the proverbial runaway train, I'm unable to get off! For reasons I can't quite put my finger on, that's what I'm feeling right now.<br />
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Mizz

That's why I don't smoke pot. It makes my self-critical tendencies worse!

Me too, Lou :)<br />
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I feel too much that if I make a mistake, if something doesn't come out quite right, or even that I just haven't expressed myself in the way I wanted to, that others won't like me, or that someone will go off me. <br />
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Crazy! :)<br />
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Mizz x

I wish I could stop being so self -conscious, I really shouldnt care if people like me or not, but I do!<br />
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Lou x

Lou, yes, it's silly when you think about it isn't it, but we can't help ourselves! It's what comes of being sensitive, which I'm glad I am, but I just wish I would stop self-analysing! <br />
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Mizz x

I hear you Mizz, I am my own worst enemy!