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Cancer Has Made Me Grateful

I am a 43 yr. old woman. I have 2 daughters, 23 and 25 yrs. old and a grandaughter 4 months  old.

I have lived a life with always knowing my Lord and Savior. I have also lived a life seperate from Him. My life has been so trying from birth. Many things from abuse from emotional, physical and sexual. Then to live the past 9 years with my youngest daughter using drugs and alchol. The past 12years with my oldest daughter suffering from severe depression...from the same abuse I suffered as a child to young adult. The life that I lived, I told myself that my girls would never suffer the same. It really all started when the court system failed my girls. I had been held in contempt of court so many times and taken to jail because everytime the judge said that I had to allow these girls to go see their Dad...especially my oldest would say; Moma, I don't have to go do I? I'm afraid Moma. Tell the Judge that daddy is mean to us. I would look down at my girls and tell them that I would not let that Judge make them go. So I was in the wrong and went to jail that day and many times after that trying to protect my girls. After a time I felt like I was a horrible mother, I let them down. And my girls are so disturb by their life that my youngest will not have nothing to do with me nor my oldest daughter because we choose not to be in an enviroment with drugs....I can't tell you how many times I have tried to help her. She is also the one who gave birth to my grand child...I'm not allowed to see. My oldest daughter has been sucidal most of her life and has a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder due to her childhood. Needless to say...it has not been easy. Then after all this, I still kept my faith. Then the day came 6 months ago my ears heard the word cancer. A feeling rose up in me so quickly, a voice inside me saying; here it is happening again. The enemy is going to cause me to let my girls down again. But just as quick as that thought entered my mind...I felt an immediate calm. I left the Dr.s office and went straight to the Krystal, ordered a large fry, pulled in the parking lot and started feeding the birds. I looked at myself in the rear view mirror and thought you have just been told you have cancer and sitting here feeding the birds. And I was happy. I know what happened that day, it was so clear to me. God let me know the very moment after that first thought after being told I have cancer that He Loved Me. I had lived loving the Lord and yet living seperate from Him. Trying to fix all the problems in my children's lives. At that moment I finally was forced to stand still and listen to what I was being told. And that is that Father God loves my girls more than I their mother. That as hard as I fought for the right thing, I was doing it seperate from Him. Now I have also been able to look at my children 's lives and feel a great love for them. But I have a greater love for God. This has set me free,. Finally I am free! I don't worry about my life, my children's lives nor rather or not I ever get to see my grand child. God has the perfect plan. I have come to except this and it's a wonderful feeling of freedom from worry and a knowing of God's love.

May the Lord give this freedom to all who suffer. In Christian Love.

tome tome 41-45, F Oct 26, 2007

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