What Happened to Me?

Well, I don’t know where to start… Most days I feel really old and tired. I think that I make myself worry and think about too much, but really after this long life why wouldn’t I?  

It all starts back almost 10 years or maybe even more. I remember always being apprehensive about my dad, but never really knowing why. I would hear him yelling at my sister a lot telling her she was dumb and what not, and at my mom accusing her of things I know she didn’t and wouldn’t do. I can’t remember ever really getting yelled at tho. I guess I tried to sneak under the radar cuz I just didn’t want anything to do with him. It’s not even like he did anything, I just got a feeling from him.  

So, I think that my dad is the reason I turned to getting attention from men. I was only 14 when I started being promiscuous, and I would take it back in a heart beat. I’ve never really had a good self esteem I guess and the events following that year only made things worse.  

 I met Nick when I was 15. He was fun and energetic and just made me feel good. Plus, his family wasn’t the most functional so he got away with a lot and I went along, always rebelling against my parents being very sneaky and manipulative. But I still felt like I had morals and ethics and that I was just getting off the farm and being a young adult. Which is more then I can say for myself today.  

We dated for a good 2 years and had lots of troubles. He drank a lot and cheated and I was controlling. He never hit me, but rather slammed me against a few walls and dragged me down a flight of stairs after I’d go off on him.  He was depressed and I wanted to help, but was so young and just didn’t know what to do, plus I’m not sure he wanted to be helped.  

On November 3, 2001 Nick committed suicide, and a lot of people blamed me because of how I had acted towards the end of our relationship. We were still off and on at the time and he called me for help, but I wasn’t any help, as a matter of fact I’m sure I made things worse. I wasn’t real comforting during the last few hours of his life, and I guess I kinda blame myself, too.  

I was down for quite a while, but eventually picked up the pieces and started to feel life again. I didn’t have a lot of support, but still managed to make it through and finish my senior year without much trouble feeling young and alive, which sounds bad I’m sure. I think that I just spent so much time worrying about him and trying to help him that I didn’t spend any time focusing on myself.  

Shortly after graduation I met Sean. I went with a friend to a small party and there he was. There wasn’t an immediate attraction, but it didn’t take long. He was a bad ***, which intrigued me enough to want to spend all of my time with him. We spent the summer together and eventually he came to college with me. Things didn’t transition well. He drank a lot, and I first I just thought it was nothing, but eventually came to realize that things were getting out of hand. He acted weird at times and at first I think I probably blew it off as him being an unhappy drunk, but it just got worse and worse. If I would eat too loud, raise my voice, or talk to him after a few hours of drinking he would get furious and it seemed to get worse each time, escalating into some pretty bad situations. I was so run down after nearly three years or mental and physical abuse that I could care less what was going on around me. I was exhausted from trying to survive and longed for a way out. No one saw what was happening and I felt so unbelievably alone. One day I went to work and just never went home, leaving my things behind and not really explaining myself to anyone. Nick, a different one from before, took me in and we started dating. I realize now that what we did was start a very unhealthy relationship, because we became co-dependent on one another and here we sit. My family didn’t take the news of my break-up with Sean very well and again I was alone. We were engaged and they thought that I could just work through it, because that’s what people do when they’re in love, right? I wish it were really that easy. I was forced to leave most of my belongings because my parents told me that he needed the stuff more then I did. They still keep in touch today, which kills me, because they are supposed to be my parents, not his.  

Sean continued to “harass” me for the next year or so, all the time I was investing myself in a relationship with Nick, but still kinda felt that Sean had something over me, making me feel guilty.  

It was kinda weird for me to date another Nick after what had happened a few years back, so at first I would never call him by his name, it would always be something like sweetie or hun. Truth is I don’t think I’ve really been myself since I left Sean. I’ve been so lazy and unmotivated and really haven’t put a lot of effort into this relationship, which isn’t fair to Nick by any means.  

Then I started just not caring. I would go to the bar and do whatever, not even caring that I had someone at home. It’s like my self esteem had hit a new low and I was even lower. I never really considered myself a bad person until now. I’ll admit that I’ve been kinda a rotten kid with a really bad attitude, but to hurt people who don’t deserve to be hurt, that’s just not who I wanna be.  

Nick has been through so much and he’s such a nice guy I just don’t know why I can’t be happy with him…

SQ SQ
26-30, F
2 Responses May 22, 2007

I've been through similar circumstances. Thank you for posting your story. Let me know if i can help you fall in love with yourself again.

Hi, the key to your letter was the word co dependent , as a codep.myself i do understand. We are always concerned about the other people in our lives, their needs ,feelings etc. you came from a home where your needs as a child were not met.You should seek out a good support group for aduld child issues, start learning to set healthy boundaries for yourself and learn that you are NOT A BAD PERSON. keep in touch mother