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35 Male - Straight

I'm 35 years old and still a virgin, in fact I have never even had a first kiss.  I can count the amount of times I've been hugged on only one hand

There's nothing wrong with me physically, just fugly that's where it starts.  In school (and to the present date) I was very shy never saying a word, wasn't part of any click, or on any sports team.  I tried to stay on the straight and narrow always trying to be the nice guy which nobody seem to care for.   School was just something I went to and came home from as I got frustrated with my class mates.  I found work interests outside of school that I got carried up in.  The kind of work that I got involved in is a male dominated field which would cause very little interaction between women and myself.  And what few times there were social gatherings I was always left out in the cold.  Again just fugly, bald, pale white, shy and no confidence, what woman wants that? 

College at MCC  was nothing more then 13th and 14th grade.  Again all my core classes where I would open up were male dominated, the other classes people seemed distant to me as I had a hard time trying to communicate.   I would drift through college just as alone as I did through high school, just picked on less. 

As the career started a year after college I pushed ahead to excel as hard as I could,  overtime would mean 70 hour work weeks at time for months.  There was no time to settle down, no time to hit the bars or party, just had to work to get ahead and it paid off, or so I thought.  By the time I had gotten settled I was now 28.  One of the hardest things was when I bought the house, I signed the paperwork alone, I had always seen myself doing this with a girlfriend or wife, starting a life together (when I wrote this I felt that awful feeling in the pit of my stomach again).    With a home I began to search around for a girlfriend.  I tried dating sights, bars, you name it.  I quickly discovered I was just so inexperienced and really had no idea what I was doing out there.

The worst part would come when I found the only woman I had ever fallen for would walk back into my life.  She was single and living at home.  I thought I had it made, I had a career, a house, no debt, it was the second chance I had dreamed of, who could turn that down?.  Well I wouldn't be on this sight if you think this is going to have a happy ending - I blew it, lack of experience just scared her away.  I was devastated, I have never felt so depressed in my life.  She would get married two years later.

Again back to the bars and web sites, that was 6 years ago. 
Trying to obscure the loneliness I turn to work and bury myself in it.  It doesn't help at all, I still feel lonely when I wake up.  There's nobody to lean on for support.  And getting older sucks as your body starts to show its age.  I truly regret missing my prime and what I was capable of.    

I've just about given up finding that some one special.  It's upsetting, I didn't want to turn out like this at all.  I can see the disappointment in my parents.  Work doesn't help as it really hurts as the sex stories from the past to the present come flying out in every day conversation.   I can't believe whats happening all around, it just  boggles my mind, why couldn't I ever be a part of that?  

Nobody knows my current state nor do I think they care.

 
echoproof echoproof 31-35 2 Responses Apr 15, 2012

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I am 35 years of age and a complete celibate by choice. Never had a girlfriend, never been on a date, never had a first kiss... Just too many medallions rest on me. All my school colleagues are long married and with kids too. Having a spiritual bent of mind, I kept avoiding and at times bluntly refusing any opportunities that would come to pass. None regrets whatsoever. If getting married, procreating, starting a lineage, & accumulating wealth was the objective of human form of life, we wouldn't be stuck in an endless loop in the cycle of birth and death. There is a higher goal. We need to realize and work towards it, Since it takes several births to attain.

I am not from another country but rt here you sound like a decent, sincere guy. "Take a look at what you have accomplished....do you have good friends? family? Be patient with yourself, when you least expect it, thats when love will happen. dont just settle, to many people do that, in the mean time do some things by yourself! build your confidence as a PERSON...not a career guy........good luck wish I was younger! I am 50, not as educated, but work etc.....and am kind of stuck with my mom as my dad passed away....and I long for LOVE, I pray for it....so hang in there buddy! it will happen good things happen to those who wait...........