8 Years Then To 21 Years

Hi! I knew at eight years of marriage with two kids and two stepkids that our relationship was not going to work. I had become a "Christian" and he was an alcoholic....my kids were age 3 and 5; his kids were 8 and 10. We were determined to keep our family intact no matter what the cost (that would later come to bite me bad!) We separated after 8 yrs of marriage, I filed for divorce, and two days before the divorce was to be final I took him back. Fast forward  13 years later...my husband now a Christian, on staff at a church and I am in women's ministry. Our son is in the Air Force, one daughter is a junior in high school. One Sunday at church I hear people around me talking about how wonderful my husband is, what a Godly man, etc. I wonder how he can do this every week then go home and drink and be so different. find myself in my garage with the car running hoping the exhaust will kill me and take me away from this double-standard way of living that I can do no more. I believe the Lord reached out to me and said, "You are worth more than this so get out of the car." I get out of the car and go into the house. When my husband and daughter come home from church I tell them both that I am filing for a divorce, this is in 2005 October. Yes, my daughter and I have been estranged that long. It tears me apart. Her father can do no wrong in her eyes. I have done everything wrong in her eyes.

Fast forward two years...years of loneliness and constant emails telling me what a horrible parent I was and continue to be. Young adults can be terrible to their parents.

My ex-husband meets a woman on E-Harmony.com, proposes to her within three months, and marries her within six months. I am fine with that; I hope he finds happiness as I want him to be happy.  However, she immediately involves herself with my daugher and badmouths me, telling my daughter I'm meddlesome (NOTE: the new wife is an only child, never married at 50 years old, and wants a family now, so is making me look bad so she can be the "mom" she always wanted to be). I am truly a concerned parent  (because my naive young daughter has chosen to move in with a man 9 years her senior!).  Of course her father supports his new wife stating she "meant no harm."  Since this event I have received mean emails from my daughter and have had virtually no contact with her. She is not 23 years old.

Fast forward to  May 2010...I find out through my daughter-in-law that my ex's new wife has filed for DIVORCE after 1.25 years. I am hopeful my daughter will now come around but unsure as she has distanced herself from me for so long. Although she sees her dad on occasion she has distanced him and the rest of the family also.  Maybe her dad is not on that pedestal she set up for him anymore...I can only hope.  I am not the wicked ol' witch I've been labeled, in fact, I cried when my daughter-in-law told me my ex was getting divorced. Am I sick or what!?

LostADHDmom LostADHDmom
51-55, F
2 Responses Jul 16, 2010

Thank you so much, dartist. I'd like to add you as a friend if you wouldn't mind as it seems we may have this in common.

Your daughters actions are at the root of your pain and you are not sick but a woman with compassion. Try to maintain some contact with your daughter but also realize that she may never change in her actions towards you. She is making choices and there is nothing you can do about this. All you can do is to make your own choices and to try and get over the hurt she has caused you. I am in a similar relationship with my son and have made peace with this. Now it is up to him to make amends to me as I will always love him but refuse to be treated with his disrespect. D.