I Am A Active Drug Addict And I Hate It.

Hi,

I have been useing drugs and alcohol for 40 years.  As most of us know are disease only progresses with time if we make it that long.  I have been in treatment three times for pain killers and alcohol only to relapse when I became not able to handle life and reality. I will say the only way I ever stayed clean for as long as I did each time were threw the NA twelve step tables, that support. When I stopped goeing I would relapse.  Then I thought methadone was the anwser, man was I wrong that was the forth time I got clean and after three years of 90 milligrams a day I did this at home by my self. I have never experienced such a horrible withdraw in my life, and it took so long before I finally felt even alittle better.  I vowed on my knees while in withdraw I would never touch that evil **** again.  YA  RIGHT what a *** I was. Know I take it for my back and also for the maintenance of that evil monkey on my back that craved to get high and it works but it has really ruined my life and I am so scared of the withdraw, thats how bad it really was. I also when clean always seemed to have this emptyness I just hated.  I sometimes think I will die a addict although I really most the time loved my sobriety but it was really hard I just did'nt give it enough time I know it can be good all is good when your clean. When your useing there is always crap  life is always going wrong. I could go on but thats all I have for now. 

klementine klementine
46-50, F
Feb 24, 2010