I Am a Bad Friend
I've had this particular friend since freshman year of college. We're 26 now. I have a full time job, a wonderful boyfriend, and a family that has always supported me. While all of this is true, I, like everyone else in the world, still have my issues. My mother's health has been very poor, my job is very, very stressful and not what I want to do ultimately, and I have my own social anxiety, guilt, depression, fear, etc.
My friend has a three-year-old daughter. The father has been mostly out of the picture, and he provides absolutely nothing in child support. She had an abortion last year. The father of that child would not have helped raise the child--he was explicit about that. She has an ex-boyfriend who harasses her ... blackmails her about the abortion, calls her names, threatens her and her family, etc. Her family provides support (some child care and money), but they are emotionally cold with her. It's clear they favor her three sisters more than my friend. Before she had her daughter my friend was living with me, drinking constantly and never cleaning up after herself or her three cats or her friends and the pets they would bring over to our house.
My friend and I have had falling outs over the years. Every man I've dated and every other friend I've had has despised her because she has always been a train wreck and puts pressure on me to bare her negligence and her lack of family support. This is my fault. I feel that since my life is more structured than hers, I have more "blessings" if you will, I should help her. I tell her I can help, and I do, but she always wants more. She always needs more. I tell her to call the cops on her harassing ex-boyfriend but she won't because he'll tell her family about the abortion and she will lose all of their support--so the harassment and subsequent distress because of the harassment has continued for more than a year. She never has enough money. And I feel for her because she does have a child with a worthless father. However, instead of choosing to live in subsidized housing and getting on welfare and food stamps for a few years, she chooses to live in places she can't afford, spending money she shouldn't to "fix" these places up, buying organic groceries instead of conventional, smoking at least a pack of cigarettes each day ... She lives more than an hour away from her family.
I can't take it anymore. I can't tell her that I'm struggling with my emotions because my life is better than hers. She calls me every day wanting to hang out. Her daughter is unbearable, which I also feel for because the girl has been through a lot in three years. I have paid for most meals we eat together, she and her daughter have lived at my house for weeks, I have helped paint and clean and rip out carpet, I've watched her child, I made all the phone calls when she had her abortion and went with her to the clinic, I've listened to her talk about her ex's harassment and given her the only advice anyone can give and watched her do nothing because of the possibility of blackmail, I listen about her guilt over the abotion (and she has no insurance so therapy isn't an option) ... I'm just overwhelmed. I can't fix everything. Today she decided to tell me she couldn't hear about my depression ... that I "allow" myself to be depressed when her life is the one falling apart. "No one cares about" her ... "no one asks" how she is doing ... she is going to lose her house and no one gives a damn.
Maybe I don't listen to her enough. Maybe I don't offer enough support. Maybe I don't deal well with her raucous child and her harassing ex ... Maybe I try too hard to relate my situations to her feelings. Perhaps this is the end of our friendship.
I do give a damn ... what am I supposed to do? I cry and I hate myself. I am a bad friend. I should just give her whatever she needs ... I've given her money in the past ... I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I must have no heart. I must be the most selfish human on Earth ... I don't know what's right and wrong anymore.
My friend has a three-year-old daughter. The father has been mostly out of the picture, and he provides absolutely nothing in child support. She had an abortion last year. The father of that child would not have helped raise the child--he was explicit about that. She has an ex-boyfriend who harasses her ... blackmails her about the abortion, calls her names, threatens her and her family, etc. Her family provides support (some child care and money), but they are emotionally cold with her. It's clear they favor her three sisters more than my friend. Before she had her daughter my friend was living with me, drinking constantly and never cleaning up after herself or her three cats or her friends and the pets they would bring over to our house.
My friend and I have had falling outs over the years. Every man I've dated and every other friend I've had has despised her because she has always been a train wreck and puts pressure on me to bare her negligence and her lack of family support. This is my fault. I feel that since my life is more structured than hers, I have more "blessings" if you will, I should help her. I tell her I can help, and I do, but she always wants more. She always needs more. I tell her to call the cops on her harassing ex-boyfriend but she won't because he'll tell her family about the abortion and she will lose all of their support--so the harassment and subsequent distress because of the harassment has continued for more than a year. She never has enough money. And I feel for her because she does have a child with a worthless father. However, instead of choosing to live in subsidized housing and getting on welfare and food stamps for a few years, she chooses to live in places she can't afford, spending money she shouldn't to "fix" these places up, buying organic groceries instead of conventional, smoking at least a pack of cigarettes each day ... She lives more than an hour away from her family.
I can't take it anymore. I can't tell her that I'm struggling with my emotions because my life is better than hers. She calls me every day wanting to hang out. Her daughter is unbearable, which I also feel for because the girl has been through a lot in three years. I have paid for most meals we eat together, she and her daughter have lived at my house for weeks, I have helped paint and clean and rip out carpet, I've watched her child, I made all the phone calls when she had her abortion and went with her to the clinic, I've listened to her talk about her ex's harassment and given her the only advice anyone can give and watched her do nothing because of the possibility of blackmail, I listen about her guilt over the abotion (and she has no insurance so therapy isn't an option) ... I'm just overwhelmed. I can't fix everything. Today she decided to tell me she couldn't hear about my depression ... that I "allow" myself to be depressed when her life is the one falling apart. "No one cares about" her ... "no one asks" how she is doing ... she is going to lose her house and no one gives a damn.
Maybe I don't listen to her enough. Maybe I don't offer enough support. Maybe I don't deal well with her raucous child and her harassing ex ... Maybe I try too hard to relate my situations to her feelings. Perhaps this is the end of our friendship.
I do give a damn ... what am I supposed to do? I cry and I hate myself. I am a bad friend. I should just give her whatever she needs ... I've given her money in the past ... I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I must have no heart. I must be the most selfish human on Earth ... I don't know what's right and wrong anymore.
By:
ObliviousPunk
Age:
26-30
,
Female
