I Hate Myself
I have a friend who I love dearly. I am resentful at how he has been treating me. He has been there for me numerous times in my life when I needed him. To add to that - he has helped me improve my life, improve my character and improve myself overall. And for that - he has gained my total admiration. I would do anything for him. The part where I feel terrible is how I can never live up to his expectations. He picked out the following things that I fail in:
- I am never there for him.
Once I went to get a massage and turned my phone off. He was trying to call me during that time. He said that even though I had a valid excuse - it was still noted that when he actually does need me - i am not there.
There were a few similar instances to the one above but the most significant is the next one below.........
I am a hyper person - sometimes I react exitedly and he doesnt like it when I do that. Recently he called me at an odd time. I picked up the phone and the first thing he said was 'you never answer your phone' I responded that I always answer the phone. And I do. No matter what I am doing - if he calls - I answer. But he doesn't count that. He must have called before that call - but they never came through. I was at work and I don't get cell phone reception in the building but the fact that he came at me that way - I reacted in a more hyper way because I didn't want him to think I was unavailable. He got irritated and said he would call me back. Well I waited like 20 minutes. I felt a sense of urgency but I also had a new job. I called him with no answer so I left him a voicemail telling him that I had another meeting to go to and that I wouldn't be available until X Timefr
ame. When X Timefr ame came - he didn't call. I called again - no answer. so I left another voice mail. I may have left him 3-4 voicemails with similar messages. He never called. 3 weeks later I find out his aunt died. He was calling to tell me but because I got hyper - he dismissed me as someone he could go to. Now he is holding that over me as a situation where I wasn't there for him
I know he doesn't like my hyperness and I feel bad that I wasn't there for him regardless what the reality is. What I care about is what his perception is.
- I don't listen to what he is saying
He told me a year and a half ago that I am not engaged in general. This is / was true. I only retained and paid attention to things around me that I thought was relevant. For example: if I am not driving and we are going somewhere I never been before - I don't pay attention. Of he has told me things that at the time I hear and react to but don't remember later. A lot of the times though - and he tells me a lot of things - it doesn't take much to remind me of the story. He wants me to remember every aspect of every story he tells me. Sine a year and a half ago - I have gotten significantly better at listening to people in general and retaining what they are telling me. But my progress is not noted. He is at a point with me now where he says he doesn't care about my progress any more. But he still reacts to situations when I don't know what he is talking about.
- I don't pay attention
Pretty much the same as above. I been trying to pay more attention. But the irritation level is on high so even though I am paying attention now - the things that I didn't pay attention to before have an impact on now. For instance - there is this restaraunt that we have been to numerous times. He has either directed me there or drove us there. It's not around the corner. There are more than just a few turns here and there and I have associated the route to that restaraunt with various other routes that i don't have vetted out yet in my head. Well one day he goes - let's go. and he refuses to give me directions. I go totally blank. one - because I forgot and two I probably totally forgot because I am ashamed I dont know and now nervous because of how irritated he gets because I don't know.
- I don't communicate well with him in general
We are roommates now. Before we signed the lease we were working closely together to find a place. sometimes I would call him to tell him things and he would say: why are you telling me this? So I started to get gun-shy on calling him with information. Then there were a few times when I would tell him something at the next opportunity in conjunction with other communication. When he found out that the information was say a day old - he got all upset and would berate me saying that why wouldn't I call him immediately with that pertinent information? (for the record - this wasn't time sensitive information).
When it came time to sign the lease - we were waiting for the owners to set up paypal so we could pay electronically. The owner then told me that for the first payment - the deposit - we will use checks. I told him this. The day came to review and sign the lease. I assumed it was standard procedure or knowledge that we would bring our portions of the deposit. On the way there - I asked him if he had his. He didn't and asked why didn't I tell him that. Am I wrong to assume that he should have known?
- I don't communicate pertinent information to him
He was flying down to LA where I am on a Friday. On Wednesday - the weather was a little muggy. Thursday and Friday were fine. On sunday - the weather was a little muggy again. I mentioned Wednesday to him. He responded that why didn't I think that would be pertinent information to tell him before he flew down.
I feel bad and I may have written this in a defensive tone. So bear with me. He would probably tell the story of each incident in a totally different perspective. So when you read the above - try to compensate that I am inherantly trying to defend myself. I feel like a crappy friend. I wish I didn't fail in all those instances and now he is so distant from me that it hurts in my soul. What do I do?