Dying Inside...

For roughly the past ten years I have enjoyed using painkillers as a source of recreation. I dont like to drink or smoke weed, I just like the feeling of happiness when Im high on the pills. I always thought, what is so wrong with feeling happy or wanting to feel happy? I dont think that I am addicted bc I am able to stop taking them when I want to. Im in school and have kept a 4.0 GPA for the past 2 years. I dont do pills when Im in school. Anyways, a few weeks ago everything went wrong..Something expensive at my parent's house went missing and I was the first to be blamed. I had nothing to do with that (it was a laptop). But my bf and my whole family assumed that I had done it. Unnanounced, my mom came over to the apt that me and my bf share and searched for the missing item. When my bf got home he looked too and finally realized that I didnt take the stupid thing. I had to admit to him that I had spent a lot of his money on pills and other useless things. Then he found out that I had been sexting with this guy, his gf was kind enough to provide my bf with our chat history. I was leading him on so that I could get pills from him. I didnt do anything with him, I think hes repulsive. Since everyone is connected in some way or another, a friend of my bf found out about the whole thing and just rubbed salt into this open wound that we were working on getting through. I dont want to hear people preaching to me about denial of addiction or that I need rehab or any of that other bs. If no one responds to this thats fine by me. I just feel like I am wasting the earth's resources by being here. I dont have any close friends. It seems like after I meet people it goes really well but then since I suck at life the person doesnt want to be friends with me anymore. I admit that I have pushed people away but it was mostly my ex's that I did that to. I am not proud of the things that I have done in the past but I am proud to have learned those valuable lessons when I did. It really encouraged me to make something of myself hence, I am going to college now. I feel like no one will let me move on from my past and see me for what I am now. At times I entertain myself with the thought of me being gone. Im not suicidal but I wish that I could be in some kind of car accident or something like that. Im slowly dying on the inside and am not sure if I will ever be the person that society expects.
PastWontGoAway PastWontGoAway
26-30, F
1 Response Jul 20, 2010

That's the narcotics talking.......if ya wanna talk about how those chemicals affect the mind, message me .....I've got years of knowledge about it......peace....