I Am a Bastard Child

AT Least My Dad Wanted Me

By: QUES30

Written on September 22nd, 2009

I'M USED TO THOSE WORDS. UGLY,DUMMY,STUPID, ERROR,MISTAKE,INSIGNIFICANT,INVISIBLE&WORTHLESS ARE A COUPLE MORE. ALOT OF PEOPLE WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO NOT HAVE A DAD IN THEIR LIFE.TO HAVE SOMEONE WAKE THEM UP ON SATURDAY MORNING AND SAY"COME ON SON,LET'S GO FISHING".TO LIVE LIFE KNOWING THAT THERE WASN'T A BIG DEAL MADE ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU A NEW ADDITION TO THE FAMILY. TO KNOW YOU WERE THE FIRST CHILD TO BE BORN OUT OF WEDLOCK.TO KNOW THAT YOUR MOM'S LIFE WAS PUT ON HOLD BECAUSE OF YOU.THAT'S WHAT HURT'S THE MOST.BECAUSE OF YOU ,YOUR MOM 'S PROMINENT PLAN'S OF BEING A REGISTERED NURSE HAD TO BE PUT ON HOLD.THEN LET GO.KNOWING THAT AT AGE 53 SHE DOESN'T SEEM TO HAVE ANY PLANS TO BE SOME MAN'S WIFE.ALMOST AS IF WHEN YOU WERE BORN ,YOU SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF HER.NOW BECAUSE OF YOU,YOUR GRANDDADDY WILL NOT HAVE PLEASURE OF WALKING HIS DAUGHTER DOWN THE AISLE. I KNOW MY MOM IS LONELY& I BLAME MYSELF.MY COUSINS WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE THE BASTARD CHILD.THEY WERE THE MAIN ONE'S WHO WOULD THROW IT IN MY FACE THAT I WASN'T AS GOOD AS THEY WERE BECAUSE THEY EITHER HAD MORE TOY'S THAN ME,THEY COULD SEE THERE MOM &DAD ANYTIME THEY WANTED,THAT AT LEAST THEIR DAD WANTED THEM TO BE BORN.ONE COUSIN OF MINE WOULD MAKE IT POINT OF LETTING ME KNOW HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO PLAY WITH ANY OF THE STUFF THAT HIS DADDY BOUGHT THEM.IF I TRIED TO HE WOULD BEAT ME UP AND SAY STUFF LIKE "IF YOU WANNA PLAY WITH TOY'S ,GET YOUR OWN DADDY TO BUY THEM"AND THEN HE WOULD PLAY WITH THEM INFRONT OF MY FACE AND DARE ME TO COME NEAR THEM.AFTER AWHILE YOU START BELIEVING THAT IF YOU AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOUR OWN FAMILY,THEN YOU ARE'NT GOOD ENOUGH FOR ANY ONE.IT 'S AFFECTED MY LIFE EVEN NOW.MY FAMILY WONDER'S WHY I DON'T COME AROUND.IT'S NOT LIKE I WOULD TELL THEM THAT THE REAL REASON I DON'T,WHICH IS BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL WORTHY

By: QUES30

Age: 31-35 , Male

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2 responses

Sperious

Hugs...You are worthy...very much so. Your mother chose to have you, you were born with a purpose. Life always gets put on hold when one has a child, yes this is true. I have 4...alot of things I could have done quicker I didn't but if one truely wants to reach their goals they will find a way. Do not blame yourself for the life/path your mother took. At times it is easy for a parent to blame a child for what is not right or for what they have not done in life. Do not allow your cousins to make you feel unworthy. Your cousins are a product of their parents as they always say be careful what is said around little ears because you never know what a child will pick up and I think this is true in their cases. I have always been a believer in this just because you have a father does not make you better or anything better...some children are worse off for having one in their life. I can see why you do not want to be around your family but at the same time do not limit yourself to becoming what they think of you. I hope you will start to live life based on what your ideals are and not what someone else has told you all there life. If you ever need a to talk I'm here for you :-)

Mar 14, 2010
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JulySunSoul

But you are worthy. You are as worthy as any person born on this planet. Yes, your mother did have a responsibility to look after you and that does mean that sometimes things are put on hold, but its not YOUR fault. In fact if we want to go round blaming anyone, initially it was HERS for not using protection. So really, you shouldnt go putting yourself down like this. I know I dont know half of how your feeling and I imagine there is a lot of anger there, but you need to let go and embrace the life that you HAVE been given. If you truely think that people do not think you are worthy, proove them wrong!

Sep 22, 2009
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