Accepting/hurting Myself

For as long as I can remember, I've known that I wasn't a "normal" person. I remember being back in elementary and just wanting to have nothing to do with girls, I only wanted to hang with guys. As I got older, I became more aware of this, I became more self-conscious. I learned that expressing gay acts are looked down upon in today's culture. I shut myself off from the world. Everything built up inside me. There was no release of the anger, sadness and longing for acceptance. School didn't help either. In high school or more in the marching band, guys would "pretend" gay. It was "cool" and they just did it for fun. They would slap butts, play gay chicken. All of this just left me standing because if they only knew they wouldn't do it. As high school continued I had eventually had enough. Over a weekend, I took a knife into my room. I stood looking out the window and took the knife across my neck. I look back and question if it was an attempt of suicide but I don't know. I dropped the knife and fell to the corner crying. I held a rag to my neck trying to stop the bleeding. Later that month, the bullying, teasing and constant discrimination I took a razor to my face. I cut a 6in scar into my face that now permanently sits there. I even took the razor to my chest and have an 8in scar going across. Every time I think about it, I feel dirty for liking men. I know I do, I've had feelings for over a decade. Its just growing up in a society where its frowned upon has made me feel this way. I just don't know what to do.
tuba212122 tuba212122
18-21, M
3 Responses Jan 16, 2013

I can't go to your profile and/or send you a message because I'm 18... but I wanted to say just keep your head up, bud! There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with liking men. You are amazing, and never forget that.
As far as suicide.. I tried it too. Just under two years ago. I failed (something I am sooo thankful for now), but I thought that I had nowhere to go. Four months later, I met a guy. A terrific guy. Who made me feel wonderful and loved and perfectly okay. We've been together for over a year now. Just keep your head up. Life will get better. I promise. <3

Listen. For every 12 guys you know, one of them is bi, gay or pan sexual. Those are the latest stats and this is in our homophobic society! The time is coming where we no longer have to be filled with self loathing because we are different. Hang on. Make friends with that person (usually a girl for a guy who is having a hard time coming out) that you have always liked as a kind human being. Study hard and do well in school and move to a city where you can come out safely. Look at the "it gets better" stuff and know it gets better.

you just discribed my feeling, i was about to say the same thing, i can't accept the fect that i like guys i'm fighting my self every single moment but i dont think about suicide and you shoudn't either, try to focus on other things, i'm sure you are a nice person and have a lot of qualities,try to get involve with the voluntary assosiations and help other people its make you feel good trust me, keep strong...hope u'll do great.