Greiving For Nine Years

Someone has to go first right?

I'll dive right in. The guy who took me to prom was an *** and took what he wanted after the dance was over. I was a virgin. I was 16. To this day I remember very little about that night. I never reported it, I wish I had.

I was a super thin life guard and three months later a friend invited me over and had three pregnancy tests ready - he said "you don't have to like it, but you have to face this. I'll be right here for you if you want or I can leave for a bit". All three were positive.

I was rebellious and the black sheep in the very religious family and my parents reacted poorly. Dad disowned me and Mom was too ashamed to be helpful. 

I knew I wanted to give the baby up for adoption. In retrospect I'm grateful that I was too far along to get a legal abortion - it took that off the table. (I don't want to get into politics, but for the record, I have no issue with abortion, just not right for me).

Right before I found out about the pregnancy I'd started dating a good guy. When I told him about the baby in preparation to break it off, he insisted that he wanted to stick around. Thank God - he and his family became my support system for the next 6 months.

I remember very little from this year. I remember my boyfriend spoiling me, taking me out, helping me hide my growing tummy. He even got me a cheap ring to wear so people wouldn't judge. He was constantly assuring me that I could keep the baby and he would marry me and take care of us. We both knew this was irresponsbile, but it was nice to feel like there was another option.

I went to an agency and chose a closed adoption. I interviewed parents and I chose the final participants. On Feb. 22, 2000 after 14 hours of labor I had a son. His parents named him Landon. I held him for about 2 minutes that night. Then on Feb 24th I signed the papers and introduced him to his parents. They've sent pictures at 6 months and every birthay since. I have not retreived any of them. I feel it would be too hard to know, I'd prefer to keep the image of an infant in my mind instead of a boy slowly growing into a man.

A few months later the boyfriend propsed. About a year later I broke it off, I was only 18!

Last month my son was 9 years old.

I'm now 26 years old. Married to an amazing guy, living a fairly successful life. My husband wants kids, he hasn't said it but it won't be but another year or two before he wants to start trying. Everytime I think about getting pregnant a rush of painful memories and uneasy feelings comes back. I'm trying to work through this pain so I can get to a place where it doesn't take my breath away.

I would really like to talk to some other women who have been here or who are going through this or who are ahead of me in the process and already have more kids.

Society makes us feel like we're alone. But we're not alone, there are thousands of us out there. We just have to look for each other. I'm me to talk.

UPDATE: Thanks to those who have taken time to reply, I feel the need to clarify some things. I am a psych major, I am in therapy and medicated. Also, my husband is a good man and has put no pressure on me - my goal is to ensure that the next time the pregnancy test is positive it's reason for celebration, not dread. I'm just looking to talk to someone who's dealt with the challenge of overcoming the past to move on. Again, thanks for the feedback and keep it coming :)

paigegurl paigegurl
26-30, F
6 Responses Mar 9, 2009

If you still want to talk I would gladly do so. My boyfriend and I chose to give our son up for adoption this past March. I don't regret my decision but I think of him each day. What struck me so much about your post was that you posted your comment within days of me giving birth and the name we chose for our son was Jay Landon. Obviously the family changed it but the name still means a lot.

Not sure if you are still reading comments from this story but I want to share with you. I gave my son up for adoption 30 years ago. It was very hard and took me along time to move on with my life and not be crying all the time. But I had to move on to better myself in hopes to still be around when we could meet again. I was able to finish high school and eventuall married and now I have four other children. I always wanted children but needed to have a good job with insurance to make sure that the next child I had I would be able to care for him or her. That was my goal and that is what kept me going. I told myself that the next time I got pregnant no one would take him/her away. My son has found me as of this past January and it has been wonderful. My husband has always known about it and my 2 older children new for approx 9 years prior and the little ones did not has they are not old enough to understand until the day I introduced my first born to them. They have all accepted him and it is great. I am going to meet his adoptive parents very soon. I just wanted to share with you inhopes that my information might help you. I cannot remember ever being scared to have more children - all I could think of is that I knew I wanted children and that the next ones would be mine to keep and raise and love. I did not get to hold my first born but did get to see him and our eyes met. He as since told me that he has always felt a connection to me and stopped at nothing to find me. I had posted on in 2001 and he finally found it in Jan 2009. There are wonderful stories with great outcomes from adoption and I know now that it was the greatest thing I have ever done for a human life. I gavie him life and he ended up with a wonderful family and is very successful. I hope that you will be able to get through this difficult thought process you are having and can have more children because I belive that children are the best gift in the whole world. Thanks for reading.

c8lorraine - thank you for your thoughts.<br />
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Knowing that successfully had a child and chose to gave it grief can't compare to the loss you've experienced.<br />
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Thanks for caring.<br />
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I want to have another baby, I want it to be healing - I'm just terrified it will be traumatic and I that the next baby won't get the love it deserves..

You definitely have a form of post traumatic stress disorder. I had to work through this after i lost (died) 9 babies. I couldn't carry them to term. I did carry only one to survival point....couldn't have any more. I also got post partum depression after the birth and parinoid about him dying.<br />
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Get therapy and advice, and also know that having a baby may be part of the healing.<br />
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hugssssss xx

Thanks for the thoughts, they are appreciated. For the first time I am in therapy specifically for this topic. They actually suggested that I find sites like this, since I have blocked so much out, they suggested that I read books and search for ways to talk about my experiences to help bring it all back to the surface.<br />
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My husband is fantastic. He knows that I'm working through everything right now and he's not pushing. I'm pushing myself to be what he wants/deserves, but you're right, in this area it's ME I need to focus on.<br />
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As far as my son finding me, I've thought about it, but it truly doesn't matter - either way I know I made the right decision, whether he comes to find me and validate that or not. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt... <br />
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Again, your input is valued - thank you for taking the time to care.

Wow--what an emotional journey you've been on! I have NOT been through this experience....I happened upon your entry as I perused various topics people created categories for. However, I work in the mental health field and have a few ideas/suggestions, that you can take or leave. Firstly, seeking out some therapy to uncover some of these feelings and emotions would likely be a really healthy and safe way of allowing youself to work through the pain, in order to get past it. I would assume that a part of you will always feel some degree of pain, about this...but it can be managed (just like other tragedies like a death of someone close to you, or experiencing other kinds of trauma). Beyond that, I hope you know that your husband's "timing" may not be your own, right now. You may not be "ready" in a year or two (and you should wait until you ARE "ready"). If that day doesn't come (or your comfort doesn't increase), consider your other options: for instance, adoption. There may be something very healing in taking on the role of the people who took your own son in....only with someone else's child. Also, consider that the day may come (when your son is an adult) that he may want to search for you, on his own (after he's an adult over the age of 18). You just never know what life will bring to the table, for you. It's your job to keep YOURSELF well, in preparation for tomorrow and what may lie years down the line. Hope this helps.