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Heartbroken

I just recently have birth to an absolutely beautiful baby girl on the first of this month. She's four days old today. Sadly, my fiance and I didn't even know I was pregnant. Sounds impossible but it does happen. I skip cycles like a freshman skips classes so going months without a period is just life as usual. Just when we became suspicious that this time something might be different, my little caterpillar decided it was time to make her presence known. We were in shock, scared for her, praying she was healthy. When the doctor told us she was in perfect health and most likely a little over 40 weeks we couldn't have been happier. Reality set in quickly though. We had just moved into a very small apartment, were living paycheck to paycheck, and I had just made a career change that would require me to be in school an extra two years. We knew we couldn't raise a baby. My fiancés parents came to the hospital to spend a day with their granddaughter, and continually tried convincing us to keep her, thinking that giving us money would solve all our problems. But what life was that for our little girl? Learning that she could get by her whole life by letting other people take care of her was not the lesson we wanted for her. We decided on open adoption and contacted an agency. We picked out a lovely couple who had recently tried to adopt a child they were fostering, only to have the birth parents take him back and leave them heartbroken. They needed a baby. They were ready for a baby. They could give her the life we couldn't at the time. We met with them at the hospital and they sat and talked with us while holding the baby. I was jealous and wanted to ****** her back several times, but they needed to bond, and every time I saw the look in their eyes as they looked down a her, I was reassured all over again. They even took pictures while holding her with myself and her birth father sitting right beside them. It felt so lovely to be included. We agreed on open adoption and have been promised plenty of pictures and letters, as well as a few visits. They told us our baby would know our story and the story of her birth, and I believe them. I'm so horribly heartsick regardless. I want to hold her in my arms and let her snuggle against me. I want to be woken up by her cries, but the only crying that wakes me up is my own or that of my fiancé. My birthday is in two weeks, I'll be 22, and I'm positive she is the best gift I could have ever asked for, and I'm sharing that gift with a family in need. In the short days we spent with her, she taught my fiancé and myself so much about life. I look forward to watching her grow, even if it's at a distance, and yet I'm terrified. What if they don't keep in touch? What if they change her name? What if I never get a picture of my little caterpillar? I'm happy for the life she's going to have, but my heart is breaking. What's even harder are the constant physical reminders where my body keeps saying "hey, you're a mom." All I want is for her to have everything and for my tears to dry...
lilcaterpillar lilcaterpillar 22-25 4 Responses Feb 5, 2013

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My heart aches for you...

Placing a child for adoption is a monumental decision that impacts the remainder of your life. I would encourage you to speak to other birth parents in order to gain perspective. I gave my child for adoption because my life did not have the structure and stability needed to raise a child at the time my son was born. Within a year or two, I had that stability, but I had already made a decision that I could not change. Yes, I have some regrets about my decision, but I try to be kind in the way that I judge my actions and realize that at the time I made the decision, I did the best I could.

sweetie, i know your pain. hang in there, she is with the family that she needs to be with and you need to heal. it will take time, tears and self-recriminations. my daughter just turned 22. i have not heard from her since she was 16, but i know that she is happy, healthy and beautiful. and she had the life i couldnt give her. i am happy knowing that she is in a much better situation then she ever would be with me.

it is hard lil. formula commercials used to send me into tears for hours. but the crying will lessen, the times in between tears will grow and you will get to the point where it is just an ache, not a stabbing wound in the heart. i will always be here to talk if you need someone. you are NOT being selfish, you are being selfless, because if you were selfish, you'd have her with you right now.

I need some help... I've been having a few second thoughts about going through with the adoption. Either way I feel like I'm being selfish. My fiancé has been more worried about taking care of me and getting my health up (I was showing signs of kidney failure, my blood pressure was dangerously high, and then my iron levels dropped to the point where they considered a blood transfusion), but now that I'm improving he's thinking more about our baby, and having doubts of his own. We still can back out. We don't sign the papers until tomorrow. But can we break the hearts of the family we chose for her? Is it worth my strict family disowning me for having a child out of wedlock? Is it really so bad to let his parents give us the assistance they want to give? Is leaving our roommate to figure out how to cover the rent such a bad thing? All so we could be right there in her life and watch her grow... And on the opposite end, if we go through with this, is it worth his parents resenting our decision? Are we emotionally going to be able to handle not having her? Will it ruin our relationship? So many questions. We had to make this decision so fast... Please give me any input you can. If you could go back and do things differently would you? Im so lost...