My Story

It has taken me 15 years to be able to put my story on paper. I thank my wonderful husband for encouraging me to do so.  In December 1992 I was a 22 yr old almost college graduate.  I was raped during our college Christmas formal and left school 4 months shy of graduation.  I moved in with friends who had graduated, telling them and my parents that I had graduated early.  I met a young man shortly afterwards and we became very serious, very quickly.  Two month later, I was pregnant. I told my parents six months later.  They picked me up and brought me home.  I was an embarrasment to my parents and they quickly arranged for me to place my soon-to-child for adoption.  My other choice was to be disowned.  On January 2, 1994 my son was born. I saw him for  a day.  He was then adopted by a lovely couple who were unable to have a child of there own.  Since then, I have married a wonderful man and I am a mother of two amazing children, age 11 and 9.  However, not a day goes by that I don't think of the liittle boy that I gave up.  I named him William James and his adoptive parents named him Garrett James.  15 years letter the pain is still intense and I am looking for a way to stop the pain.

kaisu1 kaisu1
36-40, F
2 Responses Jan 18, 2010

Oh Lord, Do I understand. People expect you to just get over it. Life expects you to just get over it. But you can't. God places even in animals a latent desire to love and care for their young and you can no more forget that child than you can forget to breathe. It's terrible. I had to give up my twin daughters 18 years ago. I was 17 and homeless because my parents kicked me out. I had no choice. Now, I expected this grand reunion that I never got. Their adoptive mother stands in the way, making sure they know it "hurts her" that they are curious about me. I feel that rejection and loss and guilt all over again. The pain is awful, but I can't talk about it anymore because no one understands. They want me to get over it or let it go, and I can't. It is nice to know, however, that this is normal for a birth mother. I'm not some crazy psyco freak that can't get over the past, I just can't stop loving my children. God designed women to love their children, and so I do it without trying to. I don't know if I'll ever find peace, but at least I'm not alone in the longing.

You are a good wife and mother, and obviously you have a very caring husband who encouraged you to write this. I consider you very brave to share your story. <br />
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I know many women who gave up babies for adoption when they were young. It is painful to remember this great loss. Still, you chose life for your son and that itself is the greatest gift of all. <br />
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Try to keep in mind that you have two wonderful children who will benefit from your being there for them at every turn. When they are grown up, they will perhaps be ready to hear this story. <br />
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Wishing you the very best. You are a very special person.