An Experience In Telling A Husband The Truth

For a year and a half I have been coming to terms with my bisexuality. The subject had become somewhat of an obsession of mine and an area of much emotional stress and so I recently came out to my husband of three years, letting him know that I felt attracted to other women. Though he took the news very calmly he has been having trouble in deciding what he is going to do about it. He knows that I cannot help what I feel and though he trusts me not to go behind his back, he knows that these feelings will not go away. He is as well aware of the options open to us and that he could let me go and do what I need to do to explore this, but he cannot reconcile the thought of me kissing a woman. To those of you who think all men love the idea of having a woman who swings both ways, I will tell you now it is not so, and it can hurt as much as the thought of her being with another man.

Our marriage has had its share of turmoil but we are both committed to each other and our future. We have one child, and thankfully he is still eager to have another even after this admission. I have ceded the control over deciding next steps to him as I do not feel I have the right to decide for us how we should proceed. I feel that vocalising my wants and emotions with the intent of manipulating his ultimate decision would be unkind, as he needs to be able to decide foremost what he himself can live with emotionally.

I cannot say I feel like I am guilty or have done something wrong. I do feel empathy concerning the curve ball that life has thrown him. He didn't know he was marrying a bisexual and I daresay he would have thought twice if he did. Is this what they mean when they say people change throughout a marriage, and you have to keep falling in love with them over and over again? I have always hoped and still hope that by telling the truth in everything and by not going behind his back in anything I would always continue to earn his devotion, however I am now faced with the reality that even with the high road taken I may still never be able to quell this sexual desire of which I fear is increasingly becoming a requirement. All I can hope is that with time he will either soften his view towards my intimacy with women, or that I can be a good enough wife that he will be willing to make that emotional sacrifice for me, though I would never ask it of him.

Thank you for taking the time to share in my experience. I have found the stories here instrumental in giving me the courage to approach my husband about this.
Nymphe22 Nymphe22
26-30, F
7 Responses Jul 19, 2010

I hope things work out for you and your husband - open relationships are certainly a challenge - and probably a challenge to the institute of the relationship itself. You also will be challenging the notion of exclusive and monogamous which is a tough hurdle to jump, especially when it will be for one not two in the relationship.<br />
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The one thing I would worry about is who is the third person in the relationship - or who feels they are third (not 2nd or first) - I can't remember who wrote it on the forum, but she believed that it was better to have flings with the women and keep only serious relationship with her husband so that that order of 1, 2 and 3 was always that the desires were kept at a lower level of importance compared to the relationship.<br />
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My worry is that what happens if you meet the woman and a VERY strong love of your life and then your relationship with your husband is in question. That is one of the reasons I call these relationship slippery slops - not saying that can't be done - just emotions, love and sex are always tricky ... and sometimes very fragile.<br />
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Good luck though - and be gentle to your husband as this doesn't have much to do with him, and hopefully he can expand his mind and be able to accommodate your desires.

I have never read a story or known a woman who has dealt with this topic as sensitively and thoughtfully as you have.... read my email.

A huge big thank you penguinswont. I have bought the book Ethical **** and will start reading tonight. It will hopefully prepare me for the conversations ahead with my husband.

This is thoughtful and beautifully expressed. I don't know what I would do in your situation. Perhaps there's some reading out there that can help you either guide you through the process or help you reconcile yourself with your reality or the decision you have to make. Neither are easy, because there's a child involved. I would suggest the work of Betty Dodson or a book called The Ethical ****. <br />
It shows how people manage alternative relationships by negotiating and setting boundaries with their partners. Perhaps if you could encourage him to read more on the topic, he might come around.<br />
It's not an event, it's a process.

I thank you for your input.<br />
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I figured the feelings would never go away. If I think about it, do I want them to? No way, this is me, and I find myself intriguing!<br />
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Would I be thrilled with my husband having other sexual partners? A woman, probably not. A man I would not really mind. But that will never happen anyway.<br />
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I think in this, there is no black and white. There is only the reality, that men and women can require differing types of intimacy from both sexes. The only question is what you can deal with, and I think a lot of this is based upon your culture and society,

I have to agree

I find this is the conundrum of open relationships - if one has multiple partners, than you should be open to the other partner having multiple partners as well. And once that is allowed, how does the current relationship withstand the new pressures - is it indeed the same relationship it was when you began and can it be sustained in a multiple partner relationship.<br />
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I have often seen and listened to those that feel they should be able to explore their sexuality when they are in a committed relationship and often the partner that wants to explore, feels that their partner should be open to the exploration or at least hopes they will entertain the same idea - yet when faced with their partner having multiple partners as well - even if they are opposite partners is less than thrilled with the prospect which I find a bit of a double standard.<br />
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I think if one goes into a marriage with bi-sexual desires but does not express this to the partner, it is somewhat duplicitous as the unsuspecting partner may not be emotionally prepared to deal with this new ripple to the relationship. It would be different if the couple were both open about the one partner's desires to be with members of both sexes, but still can be problematic later down the road.<br />
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I have noticed that certain boundaries are drawn by the single partner - and sometimes they will allow the other partner to explore same sex liaisons but will draw the line at relationships - or draw that line at often a boundary not discussed until later in the relationship.<br />
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I find this area of sexuality a slippery slope - and can lead to much hurt as most people are not as open about it as they think they may be (the reality is a little harder than the theory). I think adding children to the mix creates further obligations that constrain freedoms a bit more than children free couples. Then again, perhaps it is the existence of children that keeps similar relationships from blowing up, I don't know. It is something to think about though.<br />
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I think this thread is a great opportunity for those of us that have contemplated open relationships to see how other couples have dealt with similar experiences. <br />
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Thanks for sharing - good luck in resolving this tricky issue.

You know your desire will never go away, and this will be unresolved unless your husband gives in and lets you explore a little. Especially if you've just come to terms with this new revelation about your sexuality! I'm not sure where you live, but is there any kind of a gay/bi/lesbian scene around you? That could make it a whole lot easier to at least be around it and see if you're really interested in other women. And of course, talking to other bi-sexual women. I wish you luck, and I hope your husband can see how much this means to you and allow you a little free ex<x>pression that way. <br />
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I've always been open about being bi-sexual to boyfriends and my husband, but I too thought that I could put girls behind me when I got married.. plus my husband always threw himself in the light of being open-minded to that kind of thing. Well-- here I am all these years later, and totally craving a relationship with a woman, and he's dead set against it.