Thought It Was A Phase

Hello. I am a married mother of 2. I am in my thirties. When I was in my twenties I was very attracted to my friend. It turned out that she was attracted to me also. We never went all the way. The way I felt about her was amazing. The emotions were confusing. I was newly married and confided in her about a recent domestic fight I had with my husband (it was the first and last time he has ever hit me). After we talked about my issues we became closer although she eventually moved to Florida. We started speaking on the phone a lot. She confessed her love and confusion to me. My husband noticed something was wrong and I was acting strangely so he called her to find out and she told him that we loved each other.  Long story short he decided to give me another chance and I thought I was very lucky, this was a phase and put her and my feelings behind me. Fast forward 7 years and 2 children later. After my first experience, there was no getting my attraction to women out of my head. I noticed that I was attracted to other women and men and I just appreciated the attraction from afar. This behavior was unhealthy and I was able to manage for some years until I met a woman (engaged). Our friendship was amazing and I can truly say I did not know she was bi-sexual in the least because of all the comments she would make about other men. She was honest, flawed and funny. After the situation with my husband I became very emotionless, and introverted. I hurt him and he did not trust me with any female friends that he did not know, so I did not really make any besides the ones who were in my life already (not many). She brought my real, funny, social self back. I missed being happy and being social. It was like I was finally getting to know myself and love myself. Unexpectedly she began doing little things like lingering our hugs a little longer than usual. Touching me a little bit more than usual and eventually a kiss that was awful the first time (funny I know). I was shocked at first but then began putting the pieces together and realized it all made sense. I confronted her about the runaway kiss (she kissed me and then stopped speaking to me for 3 months). She told me her story and said that our friendship was great and she hoped she did not ruin it. We tried to put everything behind us and continue to be "just friends". She confided in me that her husband was awful in bed and she had to pretend. I told her that sucked and once she started pretending that it would be difficult to bring up the issues without hurting him. She told me about the lack of affection, lack of foreplay, kissing and everything in between (girl talk) and I wondered how the hell did she last this long with this guy especially since met him :) We spoke as bffs do and I made a joke and said that is why the kiss was so horrible, she said then show me, I fell for it and one thing lead to another (she was drinking wine and I was not). After years of friendship and 1 year of confusion, guilt, confliction and ache. I am left speechless. I have experienced feeling that I did believe existed (straight out of cheezy romance novels). She loves me flaws and all. Besides the sex and now awesome kisses (lol), she is still the best friend I could ask for. She tells me when I am wrong, listens with intent and communicates with love. I am completely in love with her and she with me but we chose to end it because living with ourselves was becoming unbearable.
My marriage is now approaching 10 years and he is a good guy most times but he wants me to be someone who I am not. I tried that and it honestly takes too much work and he is never happy anyway. I love him but I am not in love with him. My friend and I are still friends and we are still struggling to make out friendship work without the complications of an affair. I am also giving her time and space to deal with her wedding plans and her feelings. I am not confused about my feelings for her or him. I am sure about the way I feel about her and him. I am not happy in my marriage and would love to work on it but my husband has never been the counseling type. I have giving her space to get herself together. I would really love to learn to let go. It is very painful and I am trying to cope but it is hard. I am free from the affair but my emotions are still being held captive by her.
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4 Responses Jan 6, 2011

Unc... you can love two people in differing manners. One with your husband is knowing he loves you.. loving the comfort of a conventional relationship and the other one that is somewhat intense! Have you ever discussed your situation with your husband? He might be more understanding that you'd expect. Then it would not be adultery if he was agreeable with it! Amm

@amildman I do think you can have 2 best friends.I don't know about 2 loves. I love my husband but I am not in love with him. I love her and I am in love with her. We ended it because it was just 2 hard trying to live 2 different lives, not to mention it is also adultery on my part.<br />
@PaladinOH I am back. I chickened out and deleted my account :P

too bad she went deleted.

Damn lady.. I'd snap you up in a second! I'd have no problems at all with you and your friend having a loving relationship.. physical and mental/emotional. Believe it or not, I truly think you can love two people at the same time. Sort of like having more than one best friend! (Sounds impossible I know).. But having a very close friend or love doesn't mean it has to take anything away from the other friend or love... We're all capable of love and it's not exclusive to only one other. <br />
If you have kids does loving one subtract from the love towards another? <br />
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Besides.. I don't know of one guy that wouldn't like to see two women making love to each other! Amm